I miss you dad.

Especially for those whose mothers or fathers died by suicide.

I miss you dad.

Postby Smitty1131 » Sun Aug 16, 2015 10:06 am

The day I lost my dad to suicide My life changed forever. For the best and for the worst. December 4th 2013 at 12:30 am he passed away. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. It's hard not to. So many things I wish me and him had now are taken away forever. I guess I've gotta learn to come to terms that people make their own choices. Some days are harder then others. One thing can ruin my day and put me in a bad mood. I can't mentally handle much anymore. And what I can handle I end up becoming overwhelmed by. Its so hard to think about that I'll never see or talk to my dad again. It's been almost 5 years since me and him last talked. And all I wanted was to do that. I just wish I could have talked him out of it. I wish I could have saved him but I realize I can't. It's just such an exhausting experience. Whoever says suicide is a victimless crime is stupid. You hurt far more then yourself by it. It contradicts your views on so many things. The worst part of it? You're left without a goodbye. Another hard part is talking about it. Maybe 1 person I've talked to has actually known how I felt. Or have gone through something similar.. Noone knows or gets what I'm talking about or feeling is how it feels most of the time. And that drives me to like to spend alot of time alone. I'd rather be alone. I've dealt with things on my own for so long that this is probally the most I've ever written as to my feelings towards this. I miss my dad so much every single day. But there is so much anger and so many questions that will be left unanwsered. I just wish there was a way me and him could talk or something. I'll be walking down the street and I'll have an anxiety attack almost every time I go out. Because I see someone that looks like him the last time I seen him. And that just sets me off into a world of anxiety. Honestly my anxiety depression and irrateablity wernt near as bad as this before. This is honestly so exhausting but you can't sleep. Because every time you close your eyes your thoughts take over. Your mind just starts swirling around it. I've had nightmares and flashbacks for the past 2 gears yet I didn't witness anything. That's the power of your thoughts right there. I honestly just don't even want to believe it or want these feelings to just dissipear. I'm getting so annoyed and tired of feeling this way. I can't stand it anymore. I can't mentally handle things anymore. If something triggers an issue there's no acting rational. And being reasonable. My mind just starts going and I just get somewhere I'm comfortable as fast as possible. I just wanted him to know I miss him so much and there isint a day I don't.
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Re: I miss you dad.

Postby Jason » Sun Aug 16, 2015 2:45 pm

Smitty1131,

I know how you feel. My wife had anxiety depression and panic attacks at least daily. The best thing you can do is to avoid them at all costs before they happen. The best way I have found is to be focused. Then if something happens such as someone looking like your dad, refocus and distract your mind by looking at their shoes and telling yourself that those are not "his shoes" and keep that line of thinking until it has passed. However you may want and need counseling to help you to deal with it, which we all have to do at times. This way you won't have to react to thoughts and feelings that 'spin you about', instead you can face them when you are ready.

On a side note, another thing that has helped myself is learning about God and all he has done for all of us. Rebecca introduced me to this and I look forward to telling her all about it one day. Then there is helping others around me when they struggle, which helped me to focus on them instead of my own problems most of the time. Your ways may work differently but by continuing to reach out and search you will find the comfort you seek. Until that time my heart goes out to you.

May you find peace,
Jason
July 1986 - Oct 2011. Whispering nightly. "Rebecca, I love you. I forgive you. I miss you. I will hold you again."
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Re: I miss you dad.

Postby cali » Mon Aug 17, 2015 8:10 pm

Smitty, I'm very sorry you lost your Dad, and that you are having a hard time. Unfortunately everything you describe feeling is "normal" especially in the first two years. I lost my son five years ago and I was well into the beginning of the third year before I began to see that I might have a life again, without being in constant pain. It's a good strategy you describe, to get somewhere comfortable when you need to. I don't know for sure if it would help or not, but have you tried finding an SOS group? there would be people there who know exactly what you are going through. It might be worth a try. Thinking of you and wishing you some peace and healing.
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Re: I miss you dad.

Postby Smitty1131 » Tue Aug 18, 2015 12:31 pm

Thank you both for your kind words. Support groups and councling are something that haven't really ever worked for me because I have trust issues. And suppress my emotions around people I don't know well. That's my problem. This is okay and a huge step for me already to opening up. But I will deffently take it into consideration
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