Her story is currently under (newly bereaved) Lost my mom august 18 2014
I remember those days... where I was BEGGING for the pain and confusion about the whole situation to STOP! I felt so panicky inside like I wanted to run or scream or hide somewhere where these thoughts and feelings wouldn't find me.
Since then, I've come to realize there is no getting away from it. BUT, on a brighter note, the pain (for me) is not as bad as it was in the beginning (2 yrs in). It's there.... oh frig is it ever still there... but somehow I'm moving through it step by step.
I believe you too will reach a point where it becomes... "bearable"? I promise. I don't think it's because you accept what's happened, or because all of a sudden you become ok with it (never going to be ok). I honestly think it's some sort of safety mechanism in the brain that kicks in to allow us to live while the pain is numbed in the back round. Or perhaps that's just how my brain helped me...
Either way.... Sending you love and some peace during these terrible times, my friend.
Remember to enjoy those little nano seconds of peace that wash over you. They were and still are a life saver for me!!! (((( <3 ))))
I miss the thoughts that design and build your mind
I miss the way you hold me close like vines
I miss you all the time - USS
I feel we might be able to help each other as I've experienced the death of my father 2 months ago. I still feel incredibly vulnerable, but I have to admit in my case, things change SO much from one day to the next, or one week to the next.
About 2 weeks ago I sort of got out of that, I can't believe it, he's not really gone vibe.. and that has set place for a lot of crying.. which is a huge relief.. I felt so weird for the first month just crying so little at the whole thing (I've lost my father, but my parents made a suicide pact; my mother survived.) But it's just the events are such a weight on your shoulders.. that your brain numbs you and gives you no more than you can handle every day.
I am seeing a counselor every 2 weeks, and I find that just reading about the different grieving steps is a bit comforting (in knowing you are not so alone in the way you feel right now).
I hope you're surrounded that amazing people, as I have been, seriously; I want to marry all my friends, they've been sooo supportive and present throughout all this.
Life as you know it will never be the same, and I feel right now like it's not something you get over, it's something you learn to live with.
We'll make it!
I read you're getting out of the numbing phase.. like you say it helps you heal.. I feel the same, it's hard to feel like crying everytime I see something touching.. (went to pick up friends at the airport yesterday..) but yeah, understanding the death is important I guess, denial made me feel a little like a robot, I don't know about you?!
I think suicide is in many cases, a thought that has been wandering through someones mind, but you can sort of see signs that something might of happened all of a sudden to make that loved one do the final act. I was looking through my parents camera and saw pics 5 days before they did it, my dad was smiling renovating stuff outside the house.. which ended up being something he didn't even finish.. at the house there was even laundry in the dryer and masking tape in the stairs as if they were going to paint.. it's so eerie.. as if the just popped a fuse in their brain and acted very quickly!
This realisation has makes me very sad, in wondering if something could of happened in the day that would of changed their decision.. but there is no going back, so lingering on this question is not a good idea for me.
I hope you are finding at least small moments of joy where you are able to think about other things, I have noticed that in the past 1-2 weeks, my moments of 'being distracted' have grown longer.. sometimes I'll like watch hockey and at the end of the game I'll feel like I didn't think about it the whole game.. it feels weird.. sort of feel guilty... but than I remind myself that it's good to think about other things, and take a grieving break. I really hope you do have those moments!! I'm sorry for your loss and send you a big hug full of compassion.