I think ive lost all real feelings

Especially for those whose mothers or fathers died by suicide.

I think ive lost all real feelings

Postby melpell » Tue Aug 05, 2014 2:57 pm

June 20th, 2008. It was supposed to be a normal day. That's what my work schedule said. I was a nanny, and school was ending soon. My schedule stated that it would be the last normal week. I was supposed to be picking Kate up from preschool when my stepmom called and said her grandmother would picking up Kate as there were so few days left in the typical school year, they said I should just meet them at kates house, where I watched the kids. But when I arrived I found my two youngest siblings there instead. My brother 17, my sister 19; my brother who was in the army, in Iraq, was 20, I was 21, and my oldest brother was 24. I walked in extremely confused, and I don't remember exactly but someone told me my dad was missing and that he'd left a suicide note on the computer. My sister handed me the laptop. I read the note. Not quite comprehending anything. It stated that because my stepmom was going to divorce him he saw no point in continuing to live. Apparently five children didn't count for anything. He stated that because she had asked him to not stay the summer in the house with my youngest brother, which was the original plan as she was moving to California for the summer. But then she asked me if I wanted to live there with my boyfriend and brother and said yes and I said I didn't want my dad there. Sometimes I feel like I know that he could have got the help he needed if he wasn't asked to leave his home. If I wasn't uncomfortable with him being there. He was a narcissist and had only be recently diagnosed and had made apologies for past offences. It really was too little too late but at least it was something. But it was too much for him. He had sent the email to all of my stepmoms friends and family as my stepmom had reached out to my dad's best friend to try and get someone for him to talk to. After I read that note I remember talking with my sister saying he was probably just waiting somewhere to be found. We had hope, lots of hope. Then my stepmom called and said to come home. So we did. I drove my car with one of the kids mom's in my car and joked and laughed the whole time about him being such an attention seeker and again talking about I was hopeful we would find him alive. But the woman next to me already knew that my stepmom had found my dad in the garage that morning and that was why we went to the kids house I babysat for, they were friends of the family and both mom's worked at the same city school as my stepmom. We got home went inside and my stepmom told us that the cops had removed the body from the garage after he had overdosed on sleeping pills and his antidepressants. This was his third attempt. He had an appointment on Monday to be reevaluated, he killed himself Friday morning instead. He left a box on the table outside right next to our playhouse. The box held presents for all of us. I only remember was what he left from my sister and me, she got his cellphone as he remembered hers had been acting up and his was much nicer than everyone else's. I got a book The Purpose Driven Life. The post-it note stated that he was scared for me as I was the one most like him. And I am, a very scary thought. But the scariest thing about all of this is that I can tell this whole story without crying or getting upset. I can tell it tell it casually to anyone, as if someone else when through it. As if someone else told their other two brothers and their mother and their boyfriend. My mother who'd been divorced from him since I was born and my boyfriend both cried harder than I ever have. My stepmom still can't tell the story without sobbing. My sister gained 200 pounds and pretty much gave up on what could've been a brilliant music career. My middle brother got pulled out of Iraq for, I don't remember, for two weeks I think, he was so angry and resentful, he still is. My oldest brother had never really had a relationship with him. But they had made progress. I think he was just more worried about the rest of us. I don't think he ever really considered the man his father so it wasn't the same kind of loss. My youngest brother who had always been picked on by my dad didn't really seem to be affected. But that I recently found out was just cuz he was great at hiding that he wasn't as perfect as everyone thought. He did swear, he did skip class, he did experiment a little. he is just a great guy, I'm proud of how he turned out. My family and I don't really talk about it all that much. Sometimes someone will bring him up. We might all chuckle a little. We all kind of look at each other as though we are all accessing how the others all feel. And then the subject gets changed. It was not a casual thing that happened, it does scare me, but I don't know. I don't know what I really feel anymore.
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