I dreamed of my father the other night. It's only been a month and a half since he took his life. We were sitting in his sunroom, and somehow I knew I was talking to his ghost. He was trying to write me a check for what he thought would be a fair price for his house, which we are about to put on the market. Then we started looking at old family photos, and he told me I should have them. So I told him I had taken quite a few as had my sisters. When I really looked at him, I saw a healing wound, about where the wound from his suicide would be and I asked him about it. He said" Oh that, it's nothing, I'm doing fine" Then I woke up. The funny thing is, I didn't wake up sad, just confused. The rational part of me says it's because I had a long conversation about the house the evening before, but another part of me hopes that he was telling me he's ok.
My father was 85 and in very good physical health. He was starting to become more and more confused and forgetful and he knew it. When his brother made mention that it might be time to look into a senior citizen living facility, not a nursing home, but somewhere he could be looked after if necessary, his answer was "They'll take me outta here feet first". No one thought anything about it at the time... I don't know what, on that particular December morning set him off, but it was something, because he had set out baking supplies to make cookies. He went upstairs to his room, removed his glasses and watch, got his shotgun(that no one even remembered he had), went into a spare room with very little furniture, and well, you can figure out the rest.
Perhaps if I dream of him again, he will tell me why