One year is approaching fast.

[Suniedlite]

On August 21st I will have been with out my dad, my Pop, for a year... I am dreading the day and I feel like the more time goes on the more I feel like this hole in my heart is here to stay. A piece of me is missing. Something that is easier to live with but non the less an abyss. A nasty, ugly, painful and horrible hole in my heart and soul. My pop and I had something special. As my mom says I was always a Papas girl. And he was mine. I want to be able to say that I have excepted what my dad was forced to do but the truth is that is impossible. I will never, at least I don't think, ever except it. My brain is still "adjusting" to him being gone after all this time. I still have moments were I think about him as being alive. I also was looking at pictures of my daughter, who was one yesterday and who my father never met, and was searching for a picture of her with my dad. That picture does not exist. She was 6 weeks old when he died and I never got to take her to meet her grandpa. What ifs still remain. What if I had taken her to see him?? What if her glorious presence would have saved him?? Likely not. But a girl can dream right? Ha...

I miss him, and think of him nearly everyday. I wish that something good would have come from this. But there seems to be no silver lining.

[Blossom]

I'm sending a little vote of confidence in you - that you will continue to survive, that your little girl and your pop nestle together in your heart....that they can see and feel each other in a way that cannot be photographed but are connected through you. The first anniversary is hard. It is normal to experience a surge of feelings of raw loss. I wish I could ease a little of this pain for you. The worst possible thing I could say to you is really, the only thing I can say....it will come, it will be hard, but it will pass. Well, maybe I could also say that you are very welcome to visit here as often as you need to - you can speak freely and know that the folk here understand and will hold your hand.
He sounds like such a lovely man, Suniedlite. I am sorry for your loss. Blessings. The silver lining is hard won through the minutes and hours of survival. It is not what I thought it would be. Not a thing I expected or recognised as something familiar, but I am grateful for snatches of it - small insights followed by a little peace. Hold on Suniedlite. You are not alone.

[insearchofpeace]

What if her glorious presence would have saved him?? Likely not. But a girl can dream right? Ha...

Suniedlite...I lost my Dad to suicide almost 15 months ago now and I doubt that my heart will ever fully accept this reality. I don't have children, but have often wondered if I would have had a baby if my Dad would still be here....he just loved 'little' ones...babies, toddlers. One of the last times we spoke he had said..'XXXXXX, you should have a baby'....and it was kind of out of sync with our conversation...oh how I wish I would have picked up on there being more to that statement....I just didn't know. I don't know if he wanted me to have a baby so that he would have a reason to carry on, or so that I would have a reason to carry on after he left. That will always haunt me.
Sorry, I don't mean to make this about 'me'...only trying to say that I do understand to some degree that particular 'what if' you are dealing with. Futile, human things....those what ifs.

Praying you and your sweet little girl find that silver lining one day Suniedlite.... Take good care as that year mark approaches. ((hugs))

[Suniedlite]

Thank you both for your responses and kind words. I was having "one of them days" as they say. I needed to let it out, and trust me I did! I think it was all just the combination of my daughter turning one and the dreaded count down.

I am better today and I do hope he is looking down on us.

[Blossom]

I am pleased that you have ridden that crest - hopefully a little peace will be yours for a while now. Hugs to you and your baby girl.

You reminded me that on my son's first birthday, my sister happened to be aiming a camera when he took his first steps - he and I, arms outstretched towards each other (his nappy falling down...er...cloth nappies/diaper in those days)- so we have the photo and I had even forgotten that! Thank you. Blessings.

I am sure that your dad is smiling at you both.

[Suniedlite]

You reminded me that on my son's first birthday, my sister happened to be aiming a camera when he took his first steps - he and I, arms outstretched towards each other (his nappy falling down...er...cloth nappies/diaper in those days)- so we have the photo and I had even forgotten that! Thank you. Blessings.
\

Truly a blessing... =D

[Jessybug]

Hi, I'm so sorry your papa never got to see the baby....Theres a quote that has kind of helped me to lighten the load, as far as the what ifs? Guilt means we believe we could control another person's actions and I don't think any of us are powerful enough to do that. Regret means we are sorry we didn't do some things differently but in reality we all did the best we could do at the time with the knowledge we had....I lost my dad 12/14/2010 some days are harder than others...but with time, at least for me there have been at least a few times I can think of him and smile, even have laughed over some of the memories I have of him...but for the most part it's still pain, remember the good times (which is why its so painful right??) and know that he helped make you the person you are, and thus will live on through you and has enabled you to raise your little girl, I think you should keep him alive for her as painful as it may sometimes be, through stories, memories. the pictures that you do have, because it sounds like he was a very special person///take care...jessy