Why is it getting worse?

Especially for those who have lost husbands, wifes, boyfriends, girlfriends, or partners to suicide.
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Why is it getting worse?

Post by iamjoesforever » Thu Dec 04, 2014 3:47 pm

It seems like it is getting worse than better. Everyone says, give it time, it will get better. Instead, the intense pain still gets worse no matter how much I try not to think. (even though I can't help thinking). I am told it is only in my mind, all the mind frame. I need to do the power of positive thinking, life is what you make it, move on. You need to force yourself to smile, to be stronger for other people. It has been 4 weeks. I feel like every day I wake up it is getting worse. - I don't know how to stop it, but I need to. I just wait for my husband to walk through the door, hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

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Re: Why is it getting worse?

Post by WifeLess » Thu Dec 04, 2014 9:55 pm


The psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.

At only 4 weeks, of course you are feeling as you describe in your post. In the early days you were probably numbed by shock, and now that you are coming out of it, you are feeling worse. Despite what others around you may say, for many months more you should not expect to feel anything other than heartache, hopelessness and despair.

Perhaps the best description I have read of the early weeks and months after losing our spouse appears in "Letter to a Friend", which begins like this:

• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming. I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone.

If interested, here is a link to the complete letter, which I posted several years ago on YWBB.org, a support site for young widows and widowers:

http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.p ... ber=878858

Like myself, you may be interested in joining that site as well. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

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Re: Why is it getting worse?

Post by briansfolks » Thu Dec 04, 2014 11:14 pm

I did not lose a spouse but my child and I have come to the conclusion I will have no peace until I die someday. I will just live with the pain.

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Re: Why is it getting worse?

Post by Seascape78 » Tue Feb 10, 2015 10:06 am

I am the at why is it getting worse stage! I feel I just woke up from a bad dream and it's real! I find myself visualizing the act over and over as if I was there! The pain is so intense I want to wipe all memory of the past 8 months! (Our renewed relationship)I am or was such a light and positive person just feel I cannot breathe.. When I am out running because exercise helps I find almost every time I start sobbing and hyperventilating and in almost a full panic attract .. My body shakes for no reason and I really having a hard time sitting still! It has only been 3 weeks but I feel myself going down... Have even started therapy but 1 hr a week what am I to do the rest of it? Just feel so alone in my grief

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Re: Why is it getting worse?

Post by cali » Wed Feb 11, 2015 2:38 am

The first several months after the suicide of a loved one are spent in a state of massive shock and the attendant anxiety, which must be borne along with the intense grief. It is very, very hard. Please get support where you can and reach out to others. If you are able to attend a survivor's group it might be helpful. Drinking a lot of water is important to help flush the shock from the system. Even though rest may be hard, do rest when you are able.
This is a long road, and it will ease, but not quickly. As the shock wears off- this can take months- the pain may seem even more intense. Hold on, you are not alone in this grief, know that many walk this road with you and have walked it before you. Read books about it, find small things that are helpful, and do them. It does soften over time. But for now it is like a strong fever, you have to ride it out before you can begin to find your strength again. And it's hard to do alone, so please find support. Writing here can be very helpful, it has been for me. I am very sorry for the loss you have suffered. Just hold on, and breathe, and take it a minute at a time.

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