The psychological trauma of the SOS (survivor of suicide) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.
At only 4 weeks, of course you are feeling as you describe in your post. In the early days you were probably numbed by shock, and now that you are coming out of it, you are feeling worse. Despite what others around you may say, for many months more you should not expect to feel anything other than heartache, hopelessness and despair.
Perhaps the best description I have read of the early weeks and months after losing our spouse appears in "Letter to a Friend", which begins like this:
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming. I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone.
If interested, here is a link to the complete letter, which I posted several years ago on YWBB.org, a support site for young widows and widowers:
http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.p ... ber=878858
Like myself, you may be interested in joining that site as well. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.
This is a long road, and it will ease, but not quickly. As the shock wears off- this can take months- the pain may seem even more intense. Hold on, you are not alone in this grief, know that many walk this road with you and have walked it before you. Read books about it, find small things that are helpful, and do them. It does soften over time. But for now it is like a strong fever, you have to ride it out before you can begin to find your strength again. And it's hard to do alone, so please find support. Writing here can be very helpful, it has been for me. I am very sorry for the loss you have suffered. Just hold on, and breathe, and take it a minute at a time.