Your story really touches me. Everyday is so hard but its like you said, you want to call him,to see him just to hear his voice, those hugs that make you feel so secure and loved.
My boyfriend's name was Omar, he was so handsome, so funny, nice and everything I could ask for, he always told me I was his #1. He was never really close to his family through our relationship so I assumed that maybe they just were not close or has past problems. He left his house when he turned 18 and I met him a month after that. We went through so much in our relationship, there was so much support and love and understanding. After about 1 year being together he joined the U.S Marines. I was always like a little girl waiting for his letters in the mail when he was in bootcamp. We supported each other through everything. He was such an amazing support through school, it breaks my heart because about 1 month after he passed I got to walk across the stage and I received my Bachelors degree. I know he was there in spirit but oh how would I of loved for him to share that moment with me.
We loved each other so much, we had plans to make a future but through our entire relationship I had no idea he was suffering through depression. We were together for about 3 years. He was never the type of guy to talk about emotions so I respected that. But I cant help but feel a little guilty for not catching those little signs and tried to help him.
Omar and I lived together and one day he got home from work at like 5 a.m. For some reason he just drank the whole morning and he woke me up just telling me very hurtful things. He pretty much kicked me out and that was the last time I saw him. The last memory I have with him was this huge fight that broke my heart into pieces. For about 2 months I just wanted to see him and talk to him but he pushed me away so much. One night I had such an ugly feeling, I just wanted to know that he was okay or hear from him. I texted him and just told him that I hoped he was doing well and that I missed him. The next day I get a phone call from his father. He gave me the news, Omar took his life by hanging himself at a hotel room the day before. When I texted him that night he had already hung himself, I was too late. I think about it and its crazy how I had such a strong feeling about him. After everything had passed we then realized he had it all planned out.
The first time I got to meet his parents was to talk about his death. They turned out to be the most amazing people, I think Omar just knew that his life would end early and he pushed away the people he loved the most to not hurt us when he would leave us.
His family tells me that they had not seen him that happy (in our pictures) for many years. I like to think that maybe I gave him a few years of joy and love and happiness until he just could not deal with his depression anymore.
I could write forever ketaa! I am so glad I was given this website because it is so hard to talk to people who do not really understand what it feels like. Although this is so painful, in some ways I am grateful to have had him in my life. Even if it was only a short trip, he left memories that I will cherish forever.
As far as coping, I don't really know how or that I am even coping. My closest friend/roommate tried to take her life about 2 months ago so I feel like all my emotions are everywhere. I am struggling to be there for her and also cope with Omar's death. I am trying to stay strong but it sure is one difficult process.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I am really glad that I found someone that is going through the same situation as like mine. I truly know and understand every single detail of your message. On how it feels like everyday. Till now i dont know why but In my heart i am still hoping to see him.It's been a year since Cody died. And like Omar he dreamed of being an army too. Last year he tried going into training but he changed his mind after he passed the medical after he found out that he won't get that much money since he was paying off his vehicle that time. But that made him really sad. I didnt know about it til now. Those things that made him sad I should have known so I could have done something and be much supportive to him. And like you his family is saying they haven't seen Cody that happy with anyone else before. He even told me I made him incredibly happy on his last letter. And that he just couldn't take it anymore. He promised to be with me wherever I go. And he told me in his letter he will make his presence noticeable. So whenever I feel creepy i just think that it's him.
I tried to work three days after he died and would work till my body dropped so I wouldn't think. And there are times that I would sleep all day and will just rise up from my bed when I have to go to work. I can only see him now in my dreams. And still it feels so sad inside of me whenever I am with him in my dream as I sleep. And it is so hard everyday I am longing for the same person everytime I wake up and open my eyes that would not be here anymore. I still cry everyday. I cry when i get off from work as i walk through the street remembering the day i rushed to his house and saw his sister crying with cops around telling us somebody witnessed cody did it. It was the worst day of my life. How i wished this is all just a bad dream. I go to the park and to places where we used to go. And will just think that he sees me. I could even remember his voice when we sing together in his vehicle when he drives. And it is just so hard to deal with this until now evrything here just reminds me of him and will just pull me back over to what I am after the day he left me. Everything is different now ever since that day. I don't know what to do anymore sometimes. I just pray whenever it's too much already. And will cry it all out.
I am really inspired by you knowing that you are dealing with the same thing everyday but at the same time you are helping a friend who deals with suicide too. Stay strong terana. And thank you for your story I hope everything will get better for us. Tell me how your day was and how you deal with your friend. I hope everything goes ok. I will check this blog everyday and tell me how is it going with you. Take care terana.
I am very sorry that you are going through this. From what you tell me Cody seemed like an amazing, fun, caring guy who loved you very much! Do you feel like it helped that he left a letter? Omar didn't leave anything, sometimes I wonder what his last thoughts were or how he was feeling towards the end. That he took his life feeling like he would be free of his depression or that he knew how much I loved him and cared for him. I have so many questions that I feel I will never get answered. I wish I could have taken away his depression. Depression can be such a terrible mental illness, I have seen how it just eats a person up until they feel they have no alternatives to life anymore. It is just so sad, it makes me angry thinking about how it just takes away those we love in such a bad way. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I agree, dreams are the worst! I dream of Omar and I, that somehow he came back to me and we are back together again and we lived our life happy together. His presence feels so real, his hugs, his face, his laugh, and his funny dances he would always do. It is such a good feeling and it feels so real until I wake up feeling happy and it takes me a few minutes to realize that it is all fake and I just start to cry. I have to wake up and continue my day knowing that he is gone
It is so sad because nobody in my life makes me feel so loved or happy as much as I did when I was with Omar. I am very very grateful to have found this support. My family tells me that I should not be this sad because we were not married or we didn't have children. Although I know they are 100% wrong it hurts to know I cant have that support from them.
I like to think about my life as if I was in the ocean with different intensity of waves. As if I am floating and some days I get huge huge waves. These huge waves are full of sadness and regret and guilt and anger and love and memories. These waves...they can completely break me at times. Other days the waves are low and I remember that I have to be strong because we also have a life ahead of us. Ketaa sometimes I feel like we are so young and we are already going through so much. I honestly do not know what it feels like to lose a family member to suicide but I sure do know that losing a loved one whether you were friends, or together 2 months or 3 years or 20 years. Time does not matter, If you really love someone that will stay with you for the rest of your life.I believe that we will be okay, we will learn to manage these waves to where we can let them pass us and smile remembering how much we loved them. How much we miss them and all those beautiful memories they left with us. Until that day comes, I have realized that it is okay to feel sad sometimes.
I spent all morning crying yesterday because last year on easter I took Omar home with my family and we spent all day at the park playing with my nieces, with our dog and knowing that I would go back home without him this year made me miss him so much. I fell to the floor crying wanting to hug him, to tell him I missed him to come back to me but it hurt so much knowing that will never happen because he is gone.
As far as my friend, she got so bad our apartment has nothing sharp that she could hurt herself with. Her medication is in a combination lock. It got to a point that I had to take her to the hospital, She found some pills and took them. She stayed at the hospital a couple days so she could spend some days giving herself a break from her thoughts. She came out feeling good, wanting to make some changes and I just found out a couple days ago that she found some razors and started cutting again. she confessed that she is having strong suicidal thoughts again. Honestly I don't think I can deal with another loss. It hurts so much with Omar that I cant imagine losing my friend as well. I hope she can overcome this.
I know I write a lot but I hope my words can help you a much as talking to you has helped me. I hope you had a good easter and I wish you nothing but the best for you ketaa. I send you a lot of strength and support because we are here to help each other through these difficult moments.
Your message made me shed in tears.I am truly sorry that you are feeling that and that Easter had been a sad day to you because of the memory it brought. I see myself to you. It happens to me too everyday. When I dream about Cody it seemed like so real too. In my last dream with him he kissed me one last time and he was pointing a beautiful ocean and the sky was so blue. I wanna believe maybe they are visiting us kissing us or hugging us while we are sleeping. I am so much excited with your messages as I open my account here. Cos I know you are the only one person that I can really open up things like this. I still cry. This morning I cried. This afternoon too as I look in the sky hoping that through that I could reach him out. Hoping he can feel how I really miss him. That I still love him even I got hurt. I am thankful that he left a message tho. He didn't say anything there but that he love me and I made him incredibly happy and that he had never found a girl like me. That I should stay strong and he will be my guardian angel. It hurt so bad whenever I read his message. But maybe it helps a little bit too in some way, I look back to it and read it all over whenever I miss him. But I don't really know It doesnt seem like helping on my questions tho on why or how could he do that leaving us behind. I still wonder what did i not do. Why i was not enough for him to stay. I wish i could hear him for one last time. I wanna say sorry for not being enough for not supporting him for not being always beside him on that day when he was weak and needed someone. I don't think I'll get heal soon. It feels really hard to have no one to talk to about it. Cos it really helps when somebody is listening to you even if they don't understand. People think I am getting over it now bec I am really trying not to mention about it anymore cos I'm sick of hearing people giving advices that I should help myself and that no one can do this but me and that happiness is our choice.I know it's true in some way but it is definitely the most hardest thing to do in our place.If i can only do that as easy as saying it. My family said the same thing too like yours. That it wasnt too bad like anyone else who had left with a baby or got married. They just don't understand sometimes.
It's like weve gone down into a steep hill and that we cannot ever back up again that the only choice we have is to accelerate move on and climb up again to another hill. Maybe in time when our hearts are ready. It hurts everyday that i cannot be as happy as before anymore. you are right It seems like waves everyday. Sometimes I thought I'm ok one day but then something will make me remind of him that will put me down, then it will get so sad. Then waves of sadness will come up again. when I go to a gathering I notice myself not being able to enjoy my friends and co workers company anymore. That I cannot be happy as much as they could. And I end up always going home before them. I know this is bec I'm still grieving. I wanna grieve alone I cry in my room alone bec I don't wanna be judged.
One of my friend told me that the reason why we are the one who are chosen to go through this is that bec we are strong bec God knows we can do it. Bec other people cannot bear such pain. And that will make us a better person. Terana I wish I could take your pain away get that burden and I will carry it on for you because I know how it is hurt. The worst pain in my life. Cos even how much weve tried it is still here. This pain won't ever go away. That the only person that can take that away is gone and won't be able to comfort us anymore. Terana Hold on and hang in there. There is a better day for us it may not be tomorrow but I know there will be a day that it won't hurt anymore.
Ill pray that God will somehow slowly heal our hearts and your friend too. I know how she wished to get healed and how much she doesn't want to feel that depression she is just seeking a way to get out of what she feels. The sadness. I hope she'll get enough support from her family and medicine too. Stay strong terana. Always be mindful that there are still people who are being inspired by your strength and faith and I'm one of them.
Sorry I have been so busy, I haven't had time to get on.
You sound very strong. Keep your head up, try to find someone you can talk to that will listen whenever you need it. I know my therapist has been my sidekick through this whole process. Without her I would be so much worse right now. But yes you are right activities don't just feel the same. Just today my friend took me to the beach and as much as I wanted to enjoy it. it just didn't feel like I was having fun.
What we are going through is grieving and the pain will never go away but it will with time get less and less painful.
I visited a University not too long ago and one of the grad students who I was paired with confided with me that she lost her boyfriend to suicide to 6 years ago! she was still sad but she said she has gotten a lot stronger since. That really inspired me to know that we will get better and life will continue. We might not feel better 2 months from now or 2 years from now because our love for them will always be there but there is hope to do good things in life for your future. Its like you said maybe we were chosen to go through this hardship because we are strong or we are meant to do something with our lives. I try my best to be open about depression so people don't have that stigma that suicide has.
Even though it feels terrible to miss their voice, their hugs, their laughs, everything about them. And I say terrible because it feel so lonely to know there is no one out there that will make you feel that again in this moment. We will be okay, and all those night you just cry to yourself in your bed, those will pass. I don't believe there is anything wrong with feeling sad because we are grieving that there is always a balance for everything.
I will be here to talk to you if you ever need it, it will help both us if anything. Thank you for all your kind words
You sound so determined now. I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist to help you out. Yes you've been helping me a lot too letting out of the feelings I couldn't talk with anybody about Cody and I thank you for that! I hope you'll stay determined on your way moving on. I know days will be ups and downs still, but hang on till we can stand alone at our own feet again. I dreamed of Cody today it was a short but wonderful dream, we were sharing food. I was thinking of him as i cry as i was falling asleep.
Tell me about the things that you and Omar usually do for your past time or your favorite sports or things that you do together. I am sure you have a lot of stories to tell. I wanna know how he had made you so happy. He sounds like a nice guy that he had made you love him so much that way.
I wanna think that someday we can meet them again I will hug Cody so tight and will catch up to the hugs I missed everyday.
I hope you are doing good terana. And just message when you feel like to. On how your day been and how your therapist have been helping you or tell me a story about you and Omar! Hope to hear from you take care terana!
I try to say positive things to myself, I don't know that I am so determined but I find that it makes me feel better at times. Yes therapy helps a lot! it helps put perspective what I am feeling. I tend to have a lot of guilt more than anything. Guilt for leaving him the day of our fight, for not reaching out to him more when he pushed me away. Maybe if I had been more persistent. But at the end of the day I can only really think about the facts and what really did happen. I miss Omar SO MUCH! Words cannot even describe. Sometimes I get stuck with the "what ifs" and therapy is a place where I can put a stop to that because I am really only harming myself by doing that. Suicide and depression are such ugly horrid things to go through and to think that someone you love so much was suffering through that and their only way out was to take their own lives. There are just no words to describe how that makes me feel, it is just so devastating how depression can lead a person to do that. Ive been wanting to write but every time I start to write I find it difficult to express everything I am feeling. How are you doing? How have you been coping? I know that isn't an easy question because sometimes its not that clear
Omar and I had an awesome relationship, yeah sometimes we got on each others nerves but that was just inevitable lol
The last really good memory I have with him was a hike we went to. We loved to go hiking!! I remember that day so clear, we were so excited to go. ketaa imagine yourself in the middle of a forest, surrounded by green everywhere! The sound of water all around you, birds chirping.... Ah! just amazing. I remember his face, he would start dancing with his grandpa moves lol. In the middle of the hike, we sat down on a huge trunk that had fallen down, and he carved our names on that trunk. Now whenever I go back I can see that carving on the tree. and even though it brings me to tears it feels good to be able to have somewhere to go and see marks of our love and our memories. The end of the hike there is a beautiful waterfall!!! We got lost so we didn't see the waterfall haha! We assumed that the waterfall was this little creek coming down some rocks. It wasn't until I went again that I discovered where the real waterfall was lol When I found out that the waterfall was somewhere else I just wanted to call him and tell him laughing we were so lost the time we went. There are so many moments in my life where I wish I could just call him or go see him and tell him about funny things that happen or inside jokes nobody else would understand but him. Then the reality hits, that he is gone. We still had so much fun, it didn't matter that we were lost because we were enjoying what was in front of us at the moment. I am getting so excited writing this memory but I also find that it is bringing me to tears. I am happy I have good memories to look back at but they just remind me of how much I wish I could hug him and hold him and have more memories.
Tell me about a memory you have with Cody?
I've been always excited to msg you back even tho it took me awhile before I constructed my thoughts. Your story made me smile as I read it. What a wonderful perfect time together! I wish Cody and I could go on hiking too! I can imagine how you two enjoy each other and that you both are full of love, that for a certain time both of you had your own world together. What a great memory he has left you!
This week I had a lot of struggling times. I am always longing for Cody. Right now I am wearing his pajama and shirt so I can still smell him. I decided to use the comforter we were using before. I kept some of his clothes like shirts and his documents and pictures, and some of his personal stuff and kitchen stuff too. I am hugging his clothes whenever i am missing him thinking it was him cos this is the only way I can think of to connect with him i dont know if i am doing the right thing but i cant think of anyway of coping up than this. I cant let go of his things yet. I still wanna wake up smelling him. There are some weird things happened to me too and I just think that it was him doing that telling me hes just here. Sometimes a thought will just come up to my mind like say a little prayer or be strong babe which i just think from cody..
But even how hard I try sometimes there will still come a day or two or three that my heart really feels like heavily burden all day. I wanna run and shout and cry but i have nowhere to go and will just realize that i still have to go back to face this reality whatever happens. I fall down on my knees and just pray and cry it all out to God. I wake up in the morning thinking i am still alive and will take sometime to go back to reality. But we are still alive for a purpose. Sometimes it is to lift up one another on times like this.
I remember the day clearly too that he asked me to go out and eat lunch, after eating lunch we went driving a little bit and he took me to a long road beside the hill and on the other side was river. We stopped by and he pulled over on the side of the road and we were enjoying to see and hearing the flow of the water. I asked him If we could go back there when the weather gets warm so we could swim and he said yes. That was a perfect day for us enjoying ourselves together. Then I suddenly felt the urge of peeing he asked me if I wanted to head back but I still didn't want to go so I decided to just pee on the side of his truck to cover me since it was a quite road and no vehicles was passing by. And while I'm peeing I ask him to look on the other side and just not look at me but I was catching his eyes looking at me tho his face was turned on the other side. And i shouted like dont look at me cody!!!! And he'll get aware and try not to look and then smile. It still making me smile when I think of it. I miss Cody so much. I was crying in the bus today when the bus stopped at the red light and the vehicle beside us is the same as Cody's truck. I can still imagine how he wave his head while driving while we sing these songs on the radio while he hold my hand. I would sing "love me like you do" and he'll go "la la love me like you do" and we will laugh. I wish one day we can do it all over again and this time it will never end.
I hope you are coping up well terana. And I am so glad i know that you are coping in the right way having your therapist with you. I will be praying for you too! I am thinking if we can share some pictures of our memories with them if u would want that I'll give u my email. Take care terana! Stay strong! Msg me whenever you feel down or even happy and what makes you strong now. Perhaps share some other memories of you and omar again. I would love to read it!
Awe your memory made me laugh jaja Omar and I had really fun times together. I am not sure if maybe this might help you but maybe you could try it. It has been helping me quite a lot actually. I am making a memory box of Omar and I. So pretty much I am writing down all the memories I have with him and everything I would like to remember about him. So that 30 years from now when my memory is not that good lol I can look back at this box when I remember him or miss him and have nothing but good memories to look at.
I feel like it helps to remember all the good times rather than just the fact that he took his life and all the sadness that comes with that.
We had a pet rat and her name was pinky we would teach her tricks, she was like our daughter hehe. He liked to play the harmonica. When he bought his own I told him he had to learn the hispanic version of happy birthday song so he could play it to me on my birthday lol. We had our big fight the day before my birthday so I never got to hear the full song but thats okay. I am putting all these items in the box, everything we went through I want to remember. It can really bring happiness to remember the good days.
You seem like a very strong individual and I admire you. Death alone isn't easy and a suicide only makes it 100 times harder. That is good you have items that remind you of him because a part of him will always be with you:)
One day we will reunite with them, when it is our time they will be waiting for us with open arms <3
I would love to see pictures, I can share some of mine as well. Email me! Take care Ketaa
My email is Teraa300@coyote.csusb.edu