Simply Miserable

Especially for those who have lost husbands, wifes, boyfriends, girlfriends, or partners to suicide.

Simply Miserable

Postby MostGuiltyOne » Tue May 01, 2012 9:54 pm

I wish Scott knew how much I am missing him. I wish he could see what this is doing to me. I need him to know the misery he has left me. What if I had done this to him? What if I had left him with no explanation? What if I had left him to figure out how to live without me in this world? And to be left feeling that it was his fault. What was the big hurry? Couldn’t he just tell me that he was at the end of his rope and about to drop off? Couldn’t he give me the chance to make things right? To figure out a way to give him what he needed? He didn’t give me the chance to decide. He decided all by himself and left me nothing – no explanation – no opportunity to say goodbye – no way to say the last things that needed to be said – to get the answers that I need. And now he is gone and I will never be in his arms again. I don’t ever want any other arms. I don’t ever want anyone or anything else. And I don’t know how to get back to happy. I don’t know how to get back to neutral. I don’t know how to get rid of this pain. I know I am being selfish - personalizing something that was never my decision. But it affected me! He is gone and his pain is gone and I am simply miserable.
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Re: Simply Miserable

Postby lyn » Wed May 02, 2012 6:25 pm

Dear Most Guilty One, I lost my husband 2 weeks ago to suicide and everything you are writing I also felt and said. What you are feeling is normal. But my daughter found a therapist for me and I am working through the guilt. You did nothing wrong. This was not your decision and not your fault. As much as we loved them, we didn't have the power to change a decision made without talking to us about it. And this is very common, such a profound decision made without anyone else knowing. You have the pain of missing, but shouldn't bear the pain of responsibility. Please keep posting and let others help you through this mentally and physically painful journey. Lyn
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Re: Simply Miserable

Postby psyquestor » Wed May 02, 2012 9:02 pm

*gentle hugs* I am so very sorry for your loss and your pain. I know it seems impossible to believe, but in time this burden will become lighter. I know it seems that this pain is more than you can bare at times; but we do; and slowly, life begins again. Life will never be the same, and we will always miss them, but life can be good again.

There will be happy times.

Thinking of you today.
Proud Army Mom

I thought I would lay down and die after losing my Son to suicide.
Instead I chose to fight the monster that killed him.

Hold On, Pain Ends
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Re: Simply Miserable

Postby missingmjc » Wed May 02, 2012 9:33 pm

I know the feeling. Miserable. It has been a month since Mike died. I still find it all consuming and stifling. Hard to breathe.

The impact this decision has on the surviving world is huge. I keep reminding myself that my soul knows what to do- if I can work to allow myself to feel and stop fighting the pain...

feels like a tangled web of thoughts and feelings that gets tighter when i try to untangle it.

you are not alone- you are not to blame- this will change
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Re: Simply Miserable

Postby MostGuiltyOne » Thu May 03, 2012 3:47 am

Thank you all for your responses. It has been a month and a half since I lost him. I definitely have good days and bad ones. His memories are everywhere I go and in everything I see. The craziest places are the most painful - the grociery store, the men's department at Macy's, restaurants, downtown in general. Sometimes - like when I run the trails we used to run together - I can feel pretty peaceful with my memories. I can feel as though I am running trails with him and even though I am literally engulfed with memories, it is more pleasant than painful. Other times, like this week my heart is so heavy, and every day is much more painful than pleasant. Maybe I should go for a run. Working out was so important to him, I actually feel closest to him when I am excersizing outside or at the gym. But when I am laying in bed, I feel alone and abandoned. Not every night. This has just been a bad week. I know it sounds crazy but I wonder if my hormones might be making this worse - or at least making it more cyclical. I am so nervous about his birthday that is coming up on the 27th this month - and Memorial day too. We have a 10K road race in our town that is run on Memorial day. You can wear the name of the veteran you are remembering on a special bib for your back as you run. I have been thinking about doing the race, wearing his name - maybe even wearing one of his army t-shirts to honor him. It feels like the right thing to do on the day after his birthday, but I wonder if it would be setting myself up for too much sadness. Its going to be a very long six miles if I am crying the whole way, but I have actually never cried running. His memories are always right there with me - sometimes sadness too - but that is the one place that I have never cried. No hurry. I have 23 days to think about it. And there is always next year. I guess a lifetime of next years. There is a frightening thought.
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