Here goes my first post

Especially for those who have lost husbands, wifes, boyfriends, girlfriends, or partners to suicide.

Here goes my first post

Postby suepred » Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:26 am

I am new to this site and a new widow. My wonderful husband of 15 years took his own life with a gun on sept 15 2011. Mikey had been sick for over a year with numerous problems, he was on a disability for major back problems from a life of hard work in the construction industry and steel mills. He also had been diagnosed with copd and given two years to live if he continued to smoke. I found him in our bed on my side taking his last breaths. This image wil never leave me. He left me my Mom and a beautiful adult daughter from a previous marriage,also, our cat Maggie who he rescued at a shelter. I cry daily . Sometimes I question my own sanity and my purpose at all. I have also lost two of my dear friends to suicide by gunshots and a wonderful cousin. I continue to pray,work, and try to carry on. Some days it is just hard to breath. I miss Mikey so much, when I come home from work I still expect the door to open with his beautiful smile and a strong hug and kiss and to talk about our days and eat our dinner together and watch the news. But never again. I welcome any encouragemnent and help from you dear people in my new journey. God bless. suepred.
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby Bereaved1 » Sat Feb 04, 2012 10:55 am

Dear supred, I am very sorry you are suffering the loss of your wonderful husband, Mikey's physical presence. He is right beside you in spirit and always will be. My beloved fiancé took his life in August 2008. Because you wrote about Mikey's smile, I just caught a fleeting visual memory of Jacob's smile. His suicide was the 7th one of people I knew. Each one of them caused what seemed like unbearable pain at the time. But, now I see that as I heal, the grief I feel gives me a new idea about what is important in life and new confidence in myself and the action I'm supposed to take in certain important situations.

You are not going crazy. You are perfectly sane, in shock and bereavement grief. There are lots of terrific website articles that will inspire and help you know that you are not alone. One of my favorite ones is http://www.afsp.org/files/Surviving/res ... _guide.pdf (((hugs)))
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby Mjames » Sat Feb 04, 2012 11:19 am

Suepred -- You have found a place of unconditional support and emapthy. Having just passed the 5 year mark of my own loss, I can still say that this site helped in my healing process more than any other venue. This site has been purged of archives from years ago so many stories have been lost, but when I first joined I was flooded with mentors and the kindred of a very sad club of people who only know what you are going through. Please use it and continue to talk out your pain. It is important to talk to anyone who will listen.
Wishing you solace as days unwind.
You have a Right to Grief.
Hope is on the Way.
For John, gone from me January 25, 2007. I miss my lover, my friend.
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby ken » Sat Feb 04, 2012 12:37 pm

suepred,

Sorry for your loss. As other have said this site was a great source of strength and encouragement. Keep posting.
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby jbrules1 » Sat Feb 04, 2012 2:32 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. It is still early days for you yet. It will be two years for me at the end of march and I still think its still early days. Just take it day by day, min by min, tiny steps. I'm glad you have found this site though. I hope you find some strength from here. Jan
Micky, A loveing and the best father, and the most wonderful husband my soul mate. 29/3/2010
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby rememberingjason » Sat Feb 04, 2012 10:59 pm

I am sorry you have had to live with all of this. I am 10 months out and it still feels like new every day. I pray you will find some peace with feeling him close and in your heart.
Remembering the good times - my sweet hubby Jason
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby Suzanne » Sun Feb 05, 2012 9:28 am

Supred,
I too am a widow. I lost my husband Dave to hanging about 5 years ago. I am so sorry for your loss and sorry you have to join us on this forum.

My husband was also ill with depression and an assortment of other medical issues. He held on so valiantly, but his death made me question everything I ever said to him, every action on my part. I still miss him every day.

Grieve, grieve, grieve now. It does get a little easier with time, but right now you are living minute to minute. We are here to stand with you and prop you up when you need it. This is an amazing group of supportive people who understand the devastation of suicide.

Suzanne
Wife of Dave 10/17/47-11/1/06
Read our story
http://books.google.com/books?id=4zThE8 ... A7o6s-fPpU
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby janis1127 » Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:50 am

I lost my husband of 37 years on September 15 also. I am so sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is to be alone. My husband, Charles left 3 sons and 9 grandchildren. I come to this website often because it helps to talk to people who know how you feel. Take care, sending HUGS to you.
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby irwinsmom » Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:11 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on September 22, 2011, he was just 45 and we were married for 23 years with two adult children 19 and 23. Missing him is the hardest part for me right now. I feel completely alone even though I'm surrounded by so many friends and family. I exeperience that emtpy feeling most when I'm in group settings. It's hard to watch couples hold hands, hug or kiss. That is everything that I had and now I'm left with nothing.

It's also hard to come home to a house that is so quiet now. I think of him every second of every day and just wish there was some way to bring him back. I've been dreaming of him more and each time I can feel his touch and it feels so real. I see his eyes clearly and a faint smile but I never hear his voice. I wish he would speak to me in my dreams...I just need to hear his voice again.

I know that time heals but lately it just feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest. This is all so unfair...I'm 43 and way too young to be a widow. I never asked for this life nor did my kids. I wanted to grow old with my husband and now I face life alone and scared.
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Re: Here goes my first post

Postby suepred » Thu Feb 09, 2012 8:32 am

I have only had two dreams of Mikey since his passing, both were nice he looked happy and healthy. I dreamt we had the bullet frozen in a block of ice with us butI refused to look at it. Very strange how themind works. When I feel very low I lie in Bed and cry and just wish his arms would come around my waist and hold me, I would give anything to feel those big stron hands pat me lovingly. We used to kid Mikey that he did'n t know hisown strength when he shook hands with people or huged them . He often caught people off guard with how strong he was. I miss him every day, and especially hate coming home after being ou for work or whatever. The silence in the house is deafening, at least I have our dear little cat Maggie Mae to great me andlove me. I pray for more dreams. Peaceto us all. suepred.
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