this is my first post. I lost my beautiful fiancee when he hung himself on new years eve. The paramedics got him breathing again but he had lost brain function and officailly died on the 4th Jan 2012. To me though he died on new years eve. Its been the hardest four months since, I never knew that life could be this hard. It took awhile for the shock to wear off and now I just take ech day at a time. i have good days and bad days but at the moment i am just missing him more then ever. The hardest time is at night lying in bed knowing he will never lie next to me again. I know he is there in spirit but it doesn't make up for the physical longing of needing his touch. We were due to be married this October.
Shane had been suffering depression but seemd to be coping with it ok before his death. He was on anti depressants and had been seeing a counsellor. I do think he needed furher assessments and possibly had a more serious mental illness (not that depression isn't serious, i just think there was something more going on). Unfortunately it took 2 years for me to get the help he was getting. I guess the old saying you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink rang true in his case. I never expected this to happen let alone when it did. We had been making plans for the week after new year and everything.
I have been seeing a counsellor which helps and my family and friends are amazing. I am back at work (have no choice as those bills just keep piling up) which is good to keep my mind off everything. I do find it amusing though when some work colleagues comment on how well I'm coping. Just want to yell at them no I'm not, some days at work I barely hold it togther. its not their fault though, I am a very private person so for those people that don't know me well it probably does look like I'm doing great. That front that I put on is getting a good workout I guess. Its nots that I'm not letting people in, I just find that I've gone into protective mode since his death and can only let those truly close to me in and only those people I trust completely.
His family have not been the most supportive. They seem to be saying one thing but the actions aren't matching their words. Shane died withou a will and sadly we are fighting over his estate. No amounts of money will ever bring him back but they are trying to take away what I'm legally entitled to. Its like they think they can come into our home and just take whatever they want. They did have keys to the house nd I did change the locks as I know they had been in the house without my permission. It just maks a bad situatiion worse. Not only am I grievi ng for the love of my love I have to deal with them taking the home we lived in together away from me.
Well thats enough unloading for one day. Thanks for listening. I find reading your posts useful knowing other people are feeling the same as me but also some very uplifting.