Was getting better... now worse

Especially for those who have lost husbands, wifes, boyfriends, girlfriends, or partners to suicide.

Was getting better... now worse

Postby MostGuiltyOne » Thu Apr 12, 2012 1:40 am

It has been a month and I had a terrible day – almost as bad as the day I found out about his death. Monday I decided I was strong enough to find out more answers. I was out of the country when Scott decided that his pain was too much. I knew he had some legal troubles around the holidays so I thought if I searched for information on the case I might learn more. I did. I found his name on the court docket for this morning. I figured that in the past month he must have missed some of his court ordered meetings and they were unaware that he was deceased. So I called the clerk of court fully intending to get it straightened out. When I asked her what the court appearance was for she said he had been charged with petty theft. It was such a surprise. I asked for the police report number. She gave it to me and I hung up. My curiosity took over. I drove to the police station over lunch on Monday and got the report. Turns out that the very day that I flew off to India, he went out to the bar. He got so drunk. He was hitting on – actually being incredibly, drunkenly rude – to a woman at the bar. First he was telling her about how his girlfriend had left him that day. Not true. I just left for a 2 week business trip and told him it would be hard to call very often because of time zone difference. Then he proceeded to tell her he wanted to have sex with her – well he used the F word. Nice. She was sitting at the bar next to her boyfriend! When she went to the restroom to get away from him, he left with her jacket. The jacket had her wallet in it so she called the police. Long story short, the police found him wandering around downtown wearing her jacket. Her wallet was still in the pocket and he was so drunk that he had no idea that he had even taken it.
Uggh! It was almost a relief to be able to be angry and disgusted with him. A ton of guilt fell off my shoulders. Maybe it wasn’t so much about me and our relationship. He just couldn’t live with being an alcoholic, not being able to stop drinking, and the things he did when he was drunk. Sure, I guess I was the reason he was drinking, but to be honest he was always looking for a reason that made it acceptable for him to go drinking. The rest of Monday and most of Tuesday I actually felt better – not so sad and not so guilty. But as the day progressed, the sadness returned. By the end of the day on Tuesday, I decided that I needed to go to his court appearance and let them know why he wasn’t going to be there. I stressed about it all night. My hands were shaking in the courtroom this morning. There were so many people there being arraigned. I know it’s insane but I was actually looking around hoping that he would be there -- that his death announcement was just a big mistake. There was no one to talk to until the magistrate was in the room. Then she went straight into telling everyone their rights and what was going to happen. When she did the roll call, I answered that I was there to represent Scott. A couple of minutes later I had the chance to go over to the clerk and tell her quickly that I was there for him because he was deceased. I gave her a copy of his obituary. Then I had to wait for another 30 minutes while the prosecutor and magistrate had a talk. Finally they called me back over and told me that the charges were dropped. They also closed the other open case from the holidays. They told me his $50 bond refund would go to his estate. ]I learned that after he was arrested Friday night, he had posted his own bond on Saturday. His obituary said he died on Monday.
Now I can’t stop thinking about what I could have said to make him know that this was not a reason to die. I have rehearsed this conversation 50 times in my head. I wish so much that I could talk to him and tell him that it is not so bad. I could have been in that courtroom with him, supporting him as took responsibility for his actions instead of telling then that he was dead. I just wish I could have talked to him. I am glad that I got all of the legal garbage closed, but somehow I feel worse knowing more. A month has gone by and I think I am actually going in the wrong direction.
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Re: Was getting better... now worse

Postby Bereaved1 » Thu Apr 12, 2012 5:59 am

It seems to me like you are going in the right direction. You cleaned up the earthly stuff he left behind and are now free to love him spiritually. Reading, ONLY LOVE IS REAL, helped me a lot. You can take a look at some of it at http://www.amazon.com/Only-Love-Is-Real ... 306&sr=1-1
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
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