It has been 12 years since my older brother committed suicide on October 1, 2000. My story is a little different than most peoples, because of his age. Now that I'm older i am really struggling to understand how a 10 year old could do such a thing. I know I may never have the answers, but it truly makes me so mad that he left me behind. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was struggling with a prescription drug addiction. Once he did this it got worse for both of them. Now i was only 7 years old at the time, but over the years i have seen more of this than i can handle. Our family was already breaking up before he did this, my parents were divorcing and he just left me here to pick up the pieces. It may be a little selfish to blame him for their choices, but it wasn't supposed to be this way. Our life wasn't a bad life. He was so popular, strong, inspiring, and most of all one of the happiest people I had ever known. Not to mention that he was my best friend and protector, we spent all of our time together laughing. I just cannot think of any reason he would do this.
It started when we were at the mall with my mom and he wanted a new CD, but my mom wouldn't let him get the unedited version because she hates swear words. this turned into a three hour fight in the mall over this stupid CD. My mom finally said we weren't getting anything and we went home. When he got there he was still in a rage and went up to his room and started breaking all of his CDs and saying such hurtful things to both of us. I was so mad at him my last words to him were that I hate him and he was the reason my daddy was leaving, then I left to a friends house.... two hours later I walked back home and it was too late. I never got to see him again. I lost everything in one night and i would have given it all up happily to keep him. I'm at a loss for what on earth could drive him to this decision and of all the stories i have heard none of them have been as young as my brother was. so if anyone has some words of wisdom or can relate to a life taken so young please comment.
The only thing I know for sure is that I will never know why he decided to die.
When I read your post, I wondered if your brother not really been serious, but been playing with the idea, and it went horribly wrong. It is truly difficult to imagine a 10 year old having the capacity to contemplate and complete suicide.
I have read so many stories of survivors who are left with so much guilt over what they said to their loved one before they died. If anything gets me angry about suicide, it is that.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have found us.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.