I'm so very sorry to hear about your brother. You are only 3 weeks in and it is all so surreal, awful, numb, heartbreaking and wrong. It is coming up to 6 months since I lost my 19 year old brother, Alex to suicide, and I know of the pain of losing a brother...although all our experiences are so different. I wish I could give you a quick-fix, something to help you through your pain, but to be honest I'm still struggling through each day too. At the moment you're still in shock, I know I was for months. I too had feelings of such strong guilt, regret and remorse. As siblings we're meant to look out for one another, we protect each other from all the bad stuff, so where does that leave us when something like this happens and our world is turned upside down?
All I can say, is try not to focus on the guilt - on the what ifs, the should haves, could haves and would haves. If you do, it will drive you crazy...it did to me anyway. But the guilt is something you have to work through, and you will. I try to think of what Alex would want me to do...and I know that he would tell me not to be stupid, that it was his life and his choice, and even though I know he would take it back now if he could, he would never want any of us to blame ourselves. I also shared the same feelings of abandonment at the start...and I also felt like I had let my baby brother down. Every awful feeling of blame, and guilt, anger and heartache bubbled its way to the surface until I thought I couldn't stand it anymore, like I couldn't go on another day...but i did, and I do... every day. I wish I could tell you it gets easier...and maybe it does later on. It's been 6 months for me and it still feels like he was here yesterday, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime as well. I know I'm probably babbling here..I'm trying to show you that you're not alone, that there are people here who are going through what you are going through. I've found comfort in that.
It sounds like you have good friends, and that is a blessing. So hold onto them, but at the same time, don't use them as a way to run away from what you're feeling...it will all catch up with you eventually. I hope that you and your brother who is still here can find comfort in each other...my sister and I have become closer than ever...as I feel that she is the only one who understands what I'm going through. She's been my rock for these past 6 months.
You and your family will find a way from here...it won't be easy and you will have your ups and downs. I encourage you to talk about your brother though...the best thing you can do is remember that he lived and keep that memory alive. And when the guilt and feelings of abandonment get too much, think of this saying...i read it somewhere on this forum once, but I can't for the life of me remember where..Anyway it goes along the lines of...'they didn't want to leave us, but it got to the point where it hurt more to live than to die'....I found truth in that...I know that Alex never wanted to leave us, he just lost his way and he was hurting and couldn't see straight. I didn't know your brother, but I know how much siblings love each other, and how much he must have loved you.
I hope you are getting through each day as best you can. Thinking of you x