I lost my baby brother, Trent, in March 31st 2011. We lost my Mom to cancer in 2005, I can't even imagine how it would be if I had her pain to see as well. My middle brother Grant doesn't mention Trent much, but they weren't close like "we" were. I know Grant is afraid to talk with me about him due to my reaction to Trent's death. My reaction was to scream and rage, still is somedays. I have also lived with 2 of his best friends since his death. One grieves in silence, one has become a traveler. Both of them have grieved in their own ways with me. The silent one worries me as well, but I can assure you he does grieve, just not in the open as I do. I see physical pain come across his face sometimes when I mention my brother, but he refuses counseling. At least I finally got him to join this site!
My brother took a piece of me with him when he died. It's going on a year and I still have no appetite, somedays no desire to even live. My pain is usually palpable to those around me. I scream, I cry, I RAGE, I miss my brother in a way words don't cover. If my mother was still alive I can only imagine the lengths I would go to not to add to her pain. Maybe that is your son's worry as well, or maybe he is still in "denial".
Losing my brother has been the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and there's a long list to choose from. I knew he was gonna do it, had years of attempts, police/court involvement, threats, and conversations where I begged him to get help. Knowing the reality of the situation did not prepare me for the outcome at all. To have to face a suicide where there were no signs...I can't even fathom the emotions that must come with that. I have been in counseling for months and still we don't talk about my brother much. It's like if I say it out loud it's real, but if we don't talk about it then I don't have to face it. Denial and anger are the 2 stages of grief I am most comfortable with.
I have had to learn that everyone faces grief so differently. I know what it feels like to face a "silent" griever, almost like they don't care enough to grieve. That is not the case though in most instances.
I would continue checking in with your son, maybe talk to him or try to get him to talk. It has only been a few months since your loss, he might still be trying to process what has happened. It took me months before I could really accept Trent was dead, I still haven't accepted that he's never coming back. On most days I am actually glad my mother is not here, if my pain is this strong what would hers be like? Being the older child I would feel obligated to protect her, to take care of her. My grieving would've looked very different if my Mom was around. I would feel compelled to be strong for her, to show her I wasn't going anywhere.
I am so sorry for your loss. No one should have to face this. I wish you peace on this journey, stay strong.
Trent Daniel Jones 2/14/90 to 3/31/11 ~ My heart, my love, my life....