Need some advice please...

Especially for those who have lost a sister or brother to suicide

Need some advice please...

Postby Johnsmom » Sat Jan 07, 2012 7:11 pm

I will start by saying I am so very sorry all of you also use this site, we are in a group no one expected to be in. Well, I didn' 23 year old son took his life October 13, 2009 totally unexpected, no signs. His father and I do the best we can, we cry with each other etc. The advice I need is from a sibling. His older brother has yet to grieve... or at least thats how it seems. The first few nights he did journal, he wrote what he wished and what he knew, which was and is reality. He doesn't say his brother's name or talk to his girlfriend about him, I am sure he is angry and going through his bereavement the best way he knows how. I want him to scream and punch and get through this but don't know how to tell him. I mention Johns name and he nods his head but doesn't continue any conversation. He comes over and eats once a week with us and his girlfriend comes with him. He does work and is not the religious type. Should I leave him alone and not bother him about our John and his grieving, should I just check in once in a while? I don't know how to bring it out of him - I will listen to you, you each have lost a sibling, you only you know how it is inside your spirit. Thank you for any help you can give me.

John's mom
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Re: Need some advice please...

Postby Nik's mum » Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:46 am

It's strange John's mum but Nik's brother is exactly the same. He rarely, if ever, mentions Nik now. In the first few days/weeks he did but not now. I find it quite hurtful really as I feel if he doesn't mention Nik to me I can't talk about Nik to him(if that makes sense) and i would really like to. I don't know what the answer is really but i let him deal with it in his own way and hope that one day we will be able to talk openly about Nik

Perhaps if we start the conversation .................
It's easy to remember him I do it every day
But there's a pain within my heart that will never go away

love and miss you more each passing day
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Re: Need some advice please...

Postby Peaches406 » Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:23 am

I lost my baby brother, Trent, in March 31st 2011. We lost my Mom to cancer in 2005, I can't even imagine how it would be if I had her pain to see as well. My middle brother Grant doesn't mention Trent much, but they weren't close like "we" were. I know Grant is afraid to talk with me about him due to my reaction to Trent's death. My reaction was to scream and rage, still is somedays. I have also lived with 2 of his best friends since his death. One grieves in silence, one has become a traveler. Both of them have grieved in their own ways with me. The silent one worries me as well, but I can assure you he does grieve, just not in the open as I do. I see physical pain come across his face sometimes when I mention my brother, but he refuses counseling. At least I finally got him to join this site!
My brother took a piece of me with him when he died. It's going on a year and I still have no appetite, somedays no desire to even live. My pain is usually palpable to those around me. I scream, I cry, I RAGE, I miss my brother in a way words don't cover. If my mother was still alive I can only imagine the lengths I would go to not to add to her pain. Maybe that is your son's worry as well, or maybe he is still in "denial".
Losing my brother has been the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and there's a long list to choose from. I knew he was gonna do it, had years of attempts, police/court involvement, threats, and conversations where I begged him to get help. Knowing the reality of the situation did not prepare me for the outcome at all. To have to face a suicide where there were no signs...I can't even fathom the emotions that must come with that. I have been in counseling for months and still we don't talk about my brother much. It's like if I say it out loud it's real, but if we don't talk about it then I don't have to face it. Denial and anger are the 2 stages of grief I am most comfortable with.
I have had to learn that everyone faces grief so differently. I know what it feels like to face a "silent" griever, almost like they don't care enough to grieve. That is not the case though in most instances.
I would continue checking in with your son, maybe talk to him or try to get him to talk. It has only been a few months since your loss, he might still be trying to process what has happened. It took me months before I could really accept Trent was dead, I still haven't accepted that he's never coming back. On most days I am actually glad my mother is not here, if my pain is this strong what would hers be like? Being the older child I would feel obligated to protect her, to take care of her. My grieving would've looked very different if my Mom was around. I would feel compelled to be strong for her, to show her I wasn't going anywhere.
I am so sorry for your loss. No one should have to face this. I wish you peace on this journey, stay strong.
Trent Daniel Jones 2/14/90 to 3/31/11 ~ My heart, my love, my life....
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Re: Need some advice please...

Postby cmarie » Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:01 pm

Johnsmom, my son is much the same. I worry so much about him in particular, as he found Liam. He came home for Christmas, and had a bit of an emotional breakdown one night. I think it was good. We arranged for him to see a counsellor. What was interesting about that was he took his girlfriend, and they talked to the counsellor about ways they can make it easier for the two of them to talk about Liam.

Grief is such a personal journey isn't it? Its hard to know if we are just being pushy, or encouraging their process.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.
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Re: Need some advice please...

Postby Johnsmom » Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:05 pm

Thank you all for helping me and taking the time to write. I will keep an eye out and talk to my hubby about what you said. My hubby has told me in the past to just let it be, but I am afraid to let it be and have a tragedy happen. I think you said it best, we do it in our own ways...I will try to keep that in mind over the next few weeks as the holidays get pushed behind us and the spring comes. Thank you for being here for me. I can trust you all because only you know what we all are going through. I think of this site often and pray for you all. helen
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Re: Need some advice please...

Postby pace » Sun Jan 15, 2012 12:29 pm

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am the youngest of five children. My oldest brother took his life. All of us siblings grieved differently and I can only speak for myself. I kept my grief from my parents. I felt the need to protect them and not let them see anymore pain coming from a child. I saw the damage my brothers suicide created in my parents hearts... I just could not let them see me cry or let them see me hurt... I simply did not want to upset them-I felt the need to protect them from any and all pain. For my own sense of control, I could not talk about my brothers death much for a few years... everytime I did I would break down emotionally and I was not comfortable with that. If I was going to cry, I simply wanted to be alone and cry. It took time to journey the grieving process and it still has its challenges at times all these years later. I do rely heavily on my faith to continue to carry me and guide me. I know my brother is in heaven as he had given his life to Christ when he was a teen and the Lord tells us we are sealed by His Holy Spirit and not even suicide keeps us from the loving arms of our Heavenly Father. I pray for you Helen as I too share the joy of being a parent... it is more than I can comprehend to know what you and your husband and my parents endure in this process. I pray that God's peace that surpasses all understanding sustains you both and I pray for your son. God can go places we can not, He can bring healing and He will. I do believe as God heals our hearts from this type of grief, He always leaves a part that will enable each of us to be understanding and empathetic towards others who face similar. You are a great and wonderful mom, don't you ever forget that.
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Re: Need some advice please...

Postby Johnsmom » Sun Jan 15, 2012 9:25 pm

Oh pace, thank you for your insight...God bless.
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Re: Need some advice please...

Postby heather » Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:16 am

Johns mom,

As a broken sibling, my response would be to just love him mom... and try to be good to yourself, eat, sleep alot, a warm cup of coffee,lots of hot baths and read, read, read. Just tune in to him, the one son that is here, and make sure your eyes light up again when you see him.

Someone told me once that the mind is perfect in some ways with grieving, it is like curtains are drawn when we can't and then when we can it opens and closes, I think that is how I survived this first year. The only thing that is truely his and ours is our grief, and we will go through it when and how can. Everything else is now completely out of our control, its as if we thought we had some...control and the ground we walk on is unsure.

If not now twenty years from now he will deal with it, we all will. I am a part of this group that meets once a month survivors of suicide or s.o.s. and a young man showed up last month and said he hadn't ever dealt with his brothers suicide until that is the proof.

John's mom...sending you light and love and a cyber (((hug)))
Brent A. Crawford May 2, 1976 - December 8, 2010
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