Having a bad week

[pixy71]

I started Therapy this week. I feel like I've done nothing but cry all week. It will be 5 month next week since my brother has been gone. I don't feel like any of this is getting better. I feel just as bad today as I did the day we found him. I'm tired of being tired. I'm sick of crying. I have such mixed feelings about all of this. I have so much guilt even though I have nothing to feel guilt for. I have so much anger, anger at him for leaving me here without him and a crap load of anger for his ex. I'm so afraid I'll forget him. I'm so afraid I'll forget what his voice sounds like, I just want him back. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just miss him so much it hurts. I don't want to feel like this anymore. My heart breaks more everyday hes gone

[crisa]

Aww, pixy, I'm so sorry you're having a bad week. I remember those days, I felt like I was certified crazy! My emotions were all over the place, sometimes I had more than one emotion going on at one time, and my emotions would change by the second! I, too, was tired of being tired, sick of being sad, sick and tired of being on an emotional rollercoaster from hell! I told myself and everyone around me, that with each tear, I was releasing the pain, that each tear was a step forward in my grief process! I told others, to not discourage me from crying, to do so would only cause me to hold my pain in. But man did I get sick of crying at times.
I'm glad that you are seeking therapy. 5 months is still early in the grief process. I understand being scared that you'll forget the sound of your brother's voice. At times you may feel that you have forgotten the sound of his voice, but I can tell you that as time has gone on since I lost any of my loved ones, I can still remember the sound of their voice. It's alot easier to remember the sound of their voice now that my feeling like I'm going crazy grief over losing them isn't still new and fresh!
You won't forget your brother! As a matter of fact in time you'll think about him more than you realize, b/c with time it won't be so painful everytime he crosses your mind!
Thinking of you sweetie and sending you BIG HUGS!!

[pixy71]

Crystal thank you. I guess I just need to hear someone tell me I'm not crazy. I feel like it gets worse instead of better. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I know in time it will get better for me, but it just seems so far away. I just feel so alone in this, but I think with therapy I'll be able to work through this

[crisa]

pixy- I remember feeling all alone in my grief and what helped me to feel not so alone was this place! For as long as I can remember I've had a number of ppl call me their best friend, many of them saying they felt like I was the only person they could talk to and/or the only person that understood them, but after my bf suicided I had to become my own best friend! I needed to learn to treat myself with the same love, care and understanding that I have spent my life giving to others, I needed to learn to be more patient and more forgiving of myself and to not be so hard on myself. SOS grief made me feel crazy many days and many nights! I remember thinking, "well this is it, you've become crazy," and I felt like I sure the heck earned the right to become crazy all things considered! Grief brain was making me feel nuts, but at the same rate I felt crazy for not being crazier, given the situation!
I know it doesn't seem like it now but eventually your days will not be as bad, sure you'll have your moments, of course! You are not crazy honey, you are heartbroken and when something tragic happens in our life, it's a scientific, proven fact that hormones get sent to our brain, to keep us from instantly snapping, hence the brain fog, the brain numbness, which leads to not being able to think straight!

[ZachsBigSister]

Hi pixy,

I am so sorry you lost your brother.

I empathize with you. I've been having a bad week, too. It's been five years since my brother died by suicide, and there are days when I feel like it just happened. You are not crazy. You've been through something horrible, and you are adapting to the aftermath. Counseling was hard for me, too. I was at college at the time, and would leave the counseling center in tears, just to run back to my dorm and cry more. You need to do it. Let it out. (And make sure you drink lots of water. Crying leaves you thirsty.) I had a lot of anger, too. I was mad at my brother's best friend who had cancelled plans with my brother that awful night. I was mad at my brother for making one stupid and permanent decision that hurt all of us so much. You won't forget him. I see things every day that remind me of my brother. Toys he played with when we were little, video games he would have liked... I still have the last voicemail he left me. It's nothing special, just a "Hey, give me a call when you can" kind of thing. Sometimes it feels good to hear it. Sometimes it's awful. Do you have something of your brother's you keep with you? The first year, I lived in my brother's favorite hoodie. That gave me something to cling to.

Hope your week gets a little easier for you.

Sincerely,

ZachsBigSister-- Jessi

[Blossom]

Not crazy - no. When your whole being is changed in an instant...and it feels it is never going to change back.Something inside keeps waiting, expecting for the change back... a long-sustained suspense...and it feels like you are losing your mind - it takes its toll. This is so so hard...you are not going crazy. The intensity and rapid change of these feelings is so hard to endure. If you have one, just one, moment of relief...then know that there will be more like this to come.

If it helps, I too, thought I would forget my son...but once the devastation wore off enough for memories to rise up to the surface, there he was, intact in a way that defies photos and videos. In fact, his phone greeting no longer sounded like his voice, what he had become to me...somehow (I do not know how) a distillation was taking place and the essence of him is what I carry now. That essence is very different for each person in our family. Hold on sweetheart. You have a wonderful brother and he has a wonderful sister. Everything and nothing has changed. Hold on.

[Tootle]

Awww....Pixy..some weeks are like that.. I'm glad you've started some therapy. Not every session will drain you like this, I've been going 4 months now and I'm thinking it's helping me, even if it's just someone to listen. I am still working on guilt, regret and anger with my counselor... I so get it about how grief is so exhausting, it's amazing just how many tears can come out..

You will never forget your Bro, he's part of your genetic makeup, he's been in your life forever and they don't leave us that easily. If you close your eyes you can see him, you can hear him and you will never forget him.

I'm praying that next week is better for you...remember to breathe deeply, it helps.

[pixy71]

ZachsBigSister, Thank you. I don't really have anything of my Brothers to keep with me. He didn't have much when he passed away. He had some of his hair in a bag when he got it cut, but it kinda creeps me out to take any of it. I haven't looked through any of his stuff, so I don't know if theirs anything I want. Blossom, Thank You. I know he's with me each and everyday. I'm just scared. I've never been more then a phone call away, and now he's away forever. I know in time it wont hurt so bad. Tootle, therapy was draining. I'm glad I went. My counselor wants me back in 2 weeks. I know talking helps, but it's the fresh wounds that hurt. I think I'm having such a hard time with all of this because I never got to say goodbye. I never got to see him one last time. Sometimes it doesn't feel real to me that he's gone.

[tonyat]

I'm sorry you are having a bad week! Not getting to say goodbye is one of the hardest parts. I spent the past 8 months so distraught about that. Recently I started thinking about what would I say if I could have the chance to say goodbye. I spent a long time thinking about it, and realized that I would say I'm sorry, and I would want to hear him say it, too. I would say I'm sorry that you suffered in silence, I'm sorry that although I was there for you so many times, I wasn't there for you when it counted the most. I would say I'm sorry that people treated you badly about your sickness. And I would want to hear him say he is sorry he could not fight anymore. I would also tell him that he was my best friend, my biggest fan, and he was the only person I trusted with my soul. I know it hurts soooo bad to bring up these thoughts and feelings, but you have to face them to be able to move forward from them and move on to the good beautiful memories. It also sounds like you may be avoiding alot of things to do with accepting he is gone like having something that belonged to him, etc. We have all done this in one way or another to protect our hearts from the pain. I helped go through my brothers things because I had to but I didn't want to. I took things I wanted, but just sort of threw them in a bag without allowing myself to "feel" about them. I am so glad I have those things now. I get them out now and just touch them and think about him. Believe me, you will want everything you possibly can have of his once you allow your heart to love him as he is, in heaven. I hope this helps. It's so hard I know! But you will survive this. It does get easier, especially if you face your feelings (with a counselor or someone you can really talk to). Love and prayers.

"Live, Laugh, Love"- in honor of you, my best friend and brother.

Tonya

[pixy71]

Tonya, I haven't gone through his things because my family has it and doesn't want anyone to touch it. I've asked many times but they say NO. I know they've gone through it but for some reason I'm not allowed. I've found my family to be selfish and hurtful during this hard time. They've pushed his only daughter away. I'm the only one who talks to her. The day of his service( a time to say goodbye) was ruined by his Girlfriend. She made the whole event about her and her children( not his kids). My goodbye was robbed from me. I sometimes wish I had asked to see his body so I could know he was really gone, but I was to scared to see him. I