I lost my 21 year old baby brother March 31st of this year, I found him the 2nd of April. The only reason it took me that long was because we were having a "no talkie" as Trent called them, due to his pill problem. Our mother died of cancer when he was just 17, I stayed in Montana to take care of him. For 4-5 years I watched him spiral downward, attempt after attempt to OD on pills. He was so high the day he shot himself, his worthless gf having just hooked him up with 65 Vicodin. I won't even go into the girlfriend...
Dan's sister said it best " the only place I felt whole was next to my brother". He was my hero and my everything and even though I am in a good place(for now) I still believe half of me died with him. I will survive this, I truly believe that now, but I will never be the same without him! When I have bad days, weeks, months, etc., they're Bad. I could never kill myself, but somedays I wish I could. I just want to talk to him again, to hear his voice answer back, see his sweet face and his little shitty smile. I miss him so much it physically hurts, on "good " days it dulls down to an ache, but it's always there.
I also understand the desire to bond with other "older" siblings. I think the pain and the grief are the same, but the perspective is different. Older siblings usually feel responsible for their younger brothers and sisters, while younger siblings usually look up to their brothers and sisters. It's the difference between " He was always there for me, how did I not see?" and " I was always there for him, how did I not see, why didn't he talk to me?" Same guilt, same question, just from different views, different family roles.
I blame my mom for his death too. She was so codependent and he was the baby so my younger brother and I were out of the house by the time Trent was 12. He was all she had. She got a lot of pain killers in the end and used to just feed them to my brother. When I told her I was worried she stopped talking to me and accused me of trying to get attention for my own addiction?(I am an ex meth addict) I blame her for not getting him put in a program before she died, once he turned 18 I was powerless. She isn't here for me to yell at though. His stupid girlfriend I have chased out of town, cooperated with police in arresting her for the pills, and participated in the removal of her children. I understand the anger and pain all too well.
I am here for you for whatever you would like to share. Stay strong, it comes in waves, it will get ok again. Even if only for a moment. *hugs*
Trent Daniel Jones 2/14/90 to 3/31/11 ~ My heart, my love, my life....