Frustrated and unable to talk about it

[rock1909]

Sometimes I get so frustrated. My husband doesn't understand this grief or how I could still be grieving for my brother. It's been 6 months, not so long but he feels long enough. He is fortunate to not have lost anyone this close to him, a couple of uncles he was close to and his Grandmothers but most of them were older. He says it sucks but you have to move on. I agree you have to move on and I feel I am mostly doing that, but some days it's a little harder than others.
He doesn't understand it's not just processing the loss but also dealing with all the baggage this sort of loss brings. My parents struggle daily and I try to be there for them when I can. My brother left little children and a crazy home. I worry about the children especially since I fear thier mother is incapable of raising them so they will live a normal, healthy life. And to top it off thier are large financial issues that still have to be addressed.
I know there's nothing I really can do about any of this but sometimes I just need to talk. Unfortunately I am unable to talk about it with my husband because he just gets mad and tells me I need to move on. He says he can't understand why it's so hard for all of us to get over it. He feels even my parents should be better by now.
Not sure how to talk to him about this, any suggestions.
PS = He was so supportive in the begining and just took care of everything it's just now I guess he's tired of it all.

[jdaustin]

Unfortunately it's very natural to take quite a while to move past the worst parts of the grief and everyone goes at their own pace. Six months might work for normal deaths but not so much for sudden ones like suicides, horrible accidents, and such.

I found several articles today talking about how long and the normal ways that people deal with grief today but this is the only one I can find in my browser history:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22186226// (click read more text at bottom for the part about new views of grief.) I'm sure you can find many searching google. It might help if he sees that what you're going through is normal.

On the other side you have to accept that he can't understand it. In his logical mind it's just a series of things to check off until you're done with it. Sadly all the logic in the world won't make it hurry one bit. I tried to 'logic it away' but it doesn't work. Try to do what you can to help your brother's wife; it's different for her (probably worse) but she understands. Maybe you can help each other. I don't see how your husband has no choice but to be as understanding as he can. He can be frustrated all he wants, it won't make things go any easier or faster for you. I wish I could really help you

[Nancy Claire]

My mom is impatiently waiting for me to "get over" Rick. She doesn't want me to live in the past but move towards the future. It's because they love us and don't want to see us in our sorrow and sadness. They want us back to "normal"..who we were before our loss..

However, like I told my mom...it takes time to feel better after any kind of loss. For example, I had read that when people get divorced it takes 1 year for every 2 years that someone was together to start feeling better about the break up. This was true for me. I was with my husband for 11 years and it took me 5 years to fully feel that the pain our divorce caused was no longer in my way taking up space in my emotions.

I was with Rick fo 20 years and it wasn't divorce, it was sudden, tragic death that separated us so I feel that it will take a long time to actually recover..(not get over, but get through it). 9 months is not a long time to be missing someone who was in your life for 20 years.

In your case, your brother was in your life for your whole life so 6 months is not a long time to be grieving his sudden death. You are on the right track. Keep coming to this forum and we will help hold you up.

Maybe your husband would be willing to go to a counselor with you to discuss the stages of grief or something so that he can get a glimmer of what you are continuing to deal with. He wants to woman he married and you are forever changed. The change does not have to be a bad thing but he needs to give you some time and space.

Good luck

Peace

[Nancy Claire]

ps Men seem to do well if you give them specific "assignments". Is there some way to involve your husband that he could do for you that might make him feel he is contributing to your healing? ie could he babysit for your brothers kids one day or help your parents with something around the house that needs to be done or something?

[rock1909]

Thank you so much for your replies. I will check out the article and show it to my husband. You're right, my husband just wants me back to the way I used to be, I think what he's missing is so do I but it just takes time. The hardest part for him is seeing me hurting and there being so little he can do about it. I know right now he is so angry with my brother for putting us all through this, although he doesn't say that. I understand his anger and it makes perfect sense.
I have been thinking about discussing counceling for us since so much in our relationship seems to have changed since my brothers death. We are not nearly as in synch with each other as we always were. I'm giving it a little more time and if we aren't able to get back to where we were I will discuss this option with him. I'm sure he will be open to the idea since he always wants to do what's best for me, us and our family.
Thanks again for all your input and I will keep coming here. It has been such a huge help to me. The people on this site are amazingly supportive. It's a shame we have all come together for such a lousy reason but it helps to have each other.
God Bless
Rock

[anon76]

I agree that going to counseling with your husband might be a good idea. Suicide grief is not like "normal" grief.

My mom's therapist told her that suicide affects generations. Your brother's children will grow up and have kids that will not know their grandfather. It has been 3 months now since I lost my brother and some days I feel okay, some days I don't. My husband has been as supportive as he can, but he has a lot of anger at my brother too. When I'm not okay, he lets me be and that's what I need. Maybe seeing a therapist will help him understand why it's "taking so long" for you to "get over it". I don't think I'll ever get over losing my brother, I'll just be able to deal with it better. And I think there will come a point in time when I can look back and laugh and smile at the memories I have of him- but I'm not there yet.

I am sorry for your loss. I agree, it's horrible to meet this way, but it's good that this forum is available.