a quote that's supposed to be inspirational, isn't.

[angela rose36]

I was recently hanging out with a friend. He was just keeping me company following knee surgery. We were sitting in his room playing video games & some how we got on the topic of inspirational quotes. He told me his favorite, one that he said keeps him going during hard times - "Just think, if it weren't for you someone may not be alive today". I thought it was a great thing to think about... but then I really thought about it...

10 months ago, nearing 11, my best friend & boyfriend of 2 years took his life. He was struggling with space that I put between us... & that I had started to see another guy. I was honest with him through it all, still wanting to remain close friends as we promised each other before we started dating. That night we fought about the guy I was seeing; I hurt his feelings really bad even though we had been separated for months. I tried to be rational with him & talk him through it, as a friend. I was getting so irritated, we were both crying & I knew the fighting wouldn't stop so I told him I was going to bed & to call me to talk in the morning. We said our good-byes & our I love you stills... & then he apologized to me. I wasn't sure what for, as he had done nothing wrong. I brushed it off & said it was okay. We hung up & I got in bed. 15 minutes later he called again; I ignored the call not wanting to continue fighting... The next morning he didn't call. I assumed he was just mad at me & didn't want to talk because I hurt his feelings. Later that afternoon I learned that he had died early that morning. I later listened to the voicemail he left me with the ignored call... He was apologizing, telling me he loved me, but couldn't be without me...

So as I was thinking about this quote, "Just think, if it weren't for you someone might not be alive today" I thought to myself, "Except you Angela, if it weren't for you someone WOULD be alive today..."

I can't get the thought out of my head, it's haunting me I feel so guilty.

[Nancy Claire]

Angela

If it makes you feel any better I don't even understand that quote or what it's supposed to mean...I think it's an odd one to get someone through the day???

Please don't blame yourself. Couples argue and fight and hang up on each other and refuse to answer the phone and all those things all the time..all around the world but it doesn't cause someone to complete suicide. Your boyfriend/friend was probably suffering from an emotional illness that made suicide seem like the only option. Something was going on in his head that none of us can ever really understand. There have been people who have survived suicide attempts and cannot even tell their loved ones what was going on in their brains when they made the attempt. Please be gentle with yourself.

[jdaustin]

Nancy Claire is right Angela; as much as you may be blaming yourself and playing the woulda-coulda-shoulda game it wasn't your fault... it was his.

I thought that way for a LONG LONG LONG time (2 decades) and it was difficult to keep living. I had a fight too and had the sudden 'she is dead' call; it tore me apart because I felt directly responsible. Eventually I accepted that it was never my choice and it was never by my actions that she died no matter what regrets I may have (and I have many regrets). I'm sure it's the same for you; I hope you accept it sooner than I did and let yourself live again.

I don't know you but I relate 100% to the things you've posted. I went through the same thing for the same reasons with a few minor differences. You'll never forget Zakk but you will re-find yourself and come out of this a better person. Don't give up!
JD

[bereaved1]

Angela, I know how you are suffering. My fiancé and I also had telephone calls before he died. The last time I saw him was the Sunday night before he died. He didn't call to tell me that he wasn't coming over, as planned, on the Monday night before he died. When I called him on Tuesday morning to wake him up, he said he wasn't feeling well. I told him that he can't lose his job. F...! I guess I thought he would be safe because he worked in a hospital. He asked me which shirts he had at my place and I wouldn't tell right away, I guess because I was angry at him for not showing up and not telling me. Then I said, "the blue one and the yellow one". I was feeling really annoyed that he was still worried more about his shirts than about me.

He asked me to go to Brooklyn from Manhattan and pick up his bag and I said no. We had playful phone calls during the day. Then things got really confusing. He asked me to join him at the hospital after work and then he changed the plans and he was going to drop his bag at my place and then go home to Brooklyn and then come over.

Then he called me and said each of these sentences twice, with more emphasis the 2nd time. "I love you." "I will never hurt you." "Please forgive me." I honestly thought he was asking me to forgive him about not showing up and not telling me he wasn't coming over on Monday night. But, from that last "Please forgive me." there has only been silence. He hung himself that night at 1 am on Wednesday, August 6th.

People told me at his funeral that he was calling his family all day, telling them that he was going to kill himself. Nobody told me. And nobody helped him.

So, who do you think was responsible for J's suicide?

Because of all that confusion in his last days, I had the idea that his suicide was a fake. That he stole a body that looked like him from Beth Israel Hospital. He was a type. I thought that he hung that body and escaped to his friend in Hawaii and was shooting wedding videos.

Anything is possible in this crazy time.

For my own sanity, I have been grieving his death as a real suicide, and the sudden change of my life's course as something I must adapt to.

(((hugs)))

[Matnet4]

Angela,
I'm so very sorry for your losses.......and I wanted to quickly share
something I believe to be 100% true: Life and death are in GOD's hands,
not ours.
It may seem as though we have that much power, but we do not.
I missed things with my son.........I have to live the rest of my life
with those regrets....yet, I can learn something as well. And while
I'm not gung-ho about learning ANYTHING that can't benefit my son,
I know I must. And it's honoring to God and my son to become a better
person from what I've learned.
You didn't take anyone's life. Please trust in that. Sending you a (((HUG)))

[bereaved1]

Amen, Nancy. Your awareness takes a lot of courage! We all missed things.

(((hugs)))

[wyben]

Angelarose,
This is something I just read. It certainly helped me.
The Cup Analogy”
There is a cup of water sitting on a table. It is so full, it is rounded
at the top. One or two drops of water are added to the cup and it spills
over. What caused the water to spill? We want to blame the last one or
two drops, but in an empty cup it would not spill. It was not the water
in the cup prior to the drops being added, because if left alone, it
would not have spilled. It was a combination of all the drops of water
in the cup that came before and the last one or two drops that caused
the water to spill.
In a person’s life, the water in the cup is symbolic of all the hurt,
pain, shame, humiliation, and loss not dealt with along the way. The
last couple of drops symbolize the “trigger events”, “the last straw”,
the event or situation that preceded the final act of taking one’s own
life. Often we want to blame the trigger event, but this does not make
sense to us. Like the water, these events all by them selves would not
cause someone to end their life. It is the combination of everything in
that person’s life not dealt with and the last one or two things that
caused our loved ones to lose hope. For us, we must find a way to pour
out the water along the way. This may be through talking it out, writing
it out, sometimes yelling it out, whatever works for you. We must learn
to deal with our pain in a way our loved ones could not.
This analogy does not give us the concrete answer many of us are looking
for, but I know it made sense for me and has been helpful for many
survivors. It allowed me to let go of the search for “why”, and to find
a different way of dealing with my pain.Tracy T. Dean, M.S
National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
Distributed by The Link Counseling Center’s National Resource Center for
Suicide Prevention and Aftercare

[wyben]

nancy claire posted this earlier under the coping section. I couldn't remember for sure where I'd seen it. Thank you. It has been helpful to me.