I just want to say...I still miss him so very much

[kansley]

I have not posted here in quite a while....I try to stop in and reach out to other parents who have recently lost a child, but I find myself trying to step away from my grief and try to live a life that is not engulfed buy my sorrow. Nevertheless, as the two year mark of Jason's death approaches, I simply have to say, I am surprised at the depths of sadness, even now. I still cannot look at his picture without a tear running down my cheek.....Sometimes I feel like I am going a bit mad....my feelings are so hard to explain, my saddness still so profound at times. I have learned to hide this sorrow deep down in my heart and only visit it from time to time...it was just to much to let it live on the surface where each day I had to look at it, and deal with it.....I feel very strange alot of the time, like I am a spectator to life, not a participant. I do not know what I expected after two years...certainly not this....I just needed to say to people who understand this journey.....I still miss him so much I can feel the pain in my heart and I have come to accept that this is not a condition that will ever heal.....my broken heart will never mend as long as I am still living in this world.....
Forgive the late night ramblings of a sad mother.....I am shocked at how hard the memories have hit me as this anniversary date approaches, and I knew you folks would understand.....May God grant each of us the strength to continue to live and love and serve....and give us peace with our memories and comfort for our broken hearts....
\Jason's Mom...Kathie

[Lan]

sending you some *hugs* ....
I don't know what to say except I understand your pain...

[psyquestor]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. (((hugs)))

[Matnet4]

Dear Kathie,
How I wish I could ease your pain, even if just for a moment........I
so understand everything you said.......you always put things so well.
I'm sorry the sadness is as strong as ever, with the 2 yr. point approaching
with Jason's homegoing. Yet, I'm beginning to believe this is how it's supposed
to be. Not speaking of our losses-but our grief......I know you have a very
strong faith, and yours has encouraged mine these last 17 mos. I mean,
even our Father in Heaven chooses not to take away this deep pain and
sadness. He knows our love for our children, and I know He's the one who
gave us that "big love." So I guess I'm saying that with losses so great
as ours, the huge amount of pain and sadness are part of it.....there's a
part of which we, as parents, wouldn't WANT to be free of the pain.....that
might mean we've gotten "over" our kids......we know that will never happen
this side of Heaven.......
Kathie, for me, and I'm sure for you as well, the "good moments" are when
I can envision my son in Heaven, whole and well. And when I'm able to
catch a fleeting glimpse of what it will be like to go there myself, and
join our Lord and my son!! We have to find ways of "living there" in our
minds......sadly it's not possible 24/7, but when those thoughts are in
the forefront, it's truly a momentary break from this sad existence.
((((BIG HUGS))) to you my Sister.....our sons are WELL, are sons are
WHOLE, HAPPY AND FULL OF JOY........let that resonate in your heart.

[LANIE]

Dear Kathy and Nancy: Thank you for sharing your feelings today. You both express my feelings very well. My new life has such a sadness that I hide very well now. My sadness effects every one I love so much so I now try to hide it from them. I can't bare to see their sadness so I know how they feel. This is so hard, I miss my son so very much, but like you both we continue on for them. They never wanted this pain for us , this I know. Nancy, as you said, as long as we can stay in the mind frame of visualizing them in Heaven, free from any pain, we can make it! My faith sustains me and is holding me up. I feel Brandon's presence more than ever now. My husband and I went last week to pick out a headstone, can't believe it has been 2 1/2 years and we havn't done this, but it was just so final we couldn't do it, at any rate I woke up just dreading going and all of a sudden I felt Brandon's cheek on my cheek and his hand holding my hand. I thought I have really lost it now, but it was so real
and the most wonderful feeling and really helped me make it through the day.
I will stop rambling now, my heart reaches out to you both and am sending you both big hugs,

Lanie
Monitor

[kansley]

Dear Nancy and Lanie....we have traveled this road together for a while now and how I appreciate both your friendship and the sisterhood that we share as believers. I always find joy and peace when I think of our sons in the presence of Jesus...what a glorious place to be, how I long to be there too.....it is the grief of their absence that is difficult, the sadness of Jason's wife and little girl, the pain in the eyes of his brothers and sister, his friends, his pastor and so many who love him and miss him.....I can tell by your words that you both understand what I am feeling, how we try to keep going and not let our pain and sorrow show....sometimes it just feels very lonely. Ahhh, but there is coming that sweet day when we will all be together once again....and I look forward that time when we will have all eternity to talk and laugh and rejoice in the presence of Jesus all all those we love.....I send ((hugs)) back to both of you....and the others who were so kind to respond. As Jason would always say..."God is good, all the time" and indeed he is. It helps to know that others are walking this same road, understand the struggle, and truly understand....thanks, dear friends, I needed those kind words this week...God bless you and keep you close to his heart until that day when we will all be together and the tears will stop for ever......
Jason's Mom...Kathie

[Matnet4]

Yes Kathie, we have "travelled" this road together........when I first
came here, your loss of Jason was only months old.....yet you reached
out to me..........I remember you and one or two other Moms were my
"lifeline." I truly didn't believe I would survive........I saw no way of doing
so, until the other Moms here..........it really broke through the fog in my
mind and suggested, "if they made it, maybe you will too."
I really am so thankful for this forum--I know it's one of the tools God
has used to save my life.
I'm so very thankful to have you Kathie, Lanie, and all the Moms here.
God bless each one of us, and may He continue to give us the strength
to go on, even with the heavy hearts we all now carry. (((HUGS))) to all.

[LANIE]

Thank you Nancy! "DITTO" to everything you said! This forum was and is a
life saver for me, Love and Peace,

Lanie

[Margaret52]

I'm so glad I read your notes. I thought I was the only one who was still suffering. I know exactly how we feel, I think it gets harder
and harder. We try to keep ourselves busy, people expect that of us now, you can tell by the way they look ....... oblivious to the pain we feel.

I was eventually admitted to hospital as I had a bit of a brealdown hense the reason I have not posted. Did the hospital help? Not at all, they just doped me with such medication I didn't know my own name.

I think it gets worse and I hate saying it because I don't ever think I'll recover
from this. I wake each morning with a heavy heart and think NOT ANOTHER DAY.