girlfriend going into that dark place again.

[bradsta2020]

Ive had my girlfriend for almost 2 months now, she is 19 and a sophomore in college. She has been battling depression pretty much all through high school up until now. She used to cut her self, and attempted suicide about 2 months before I met her. After the attempted suicide she was put on meds, and has been pretty good ever since (not thinking of cutting or being depressed). But now she told me she thinks she is going back into that place again, and wouldnt call me tonight to talk about it, she said she is in her moms bed cause she doesnt want to be alone (ps, she lives in a different state than me over the summer). Anyway she said that she would call me tomorrow morning. Ive never dealt with anyone like this before and I dont know what to do to help her from not going into that dark place again... Any help/suggestions would be great.

thanks, brad

[Karyl]

Brad,

I hope that your girlfriend's mother realizes how much at risk she is, because she's the one who sees her every day, since you are in a different state.

First of all, do you have the emergency phone numbers to call in the community she lives in just in case. (People forget that you cannot call 911 if you live outside of a community, because you get your own emergency services, not the one where the person is.)

I suggest that you check the Internet and find what city and/or county she lives in and the non 911 phone number. Also, write down her complete name, birthday and home address --- just in case.

Then, if she ever makes a statement that indicates she is feeling suicidal, be prepared to call 911 - if she will not promise you to get help right then.

I know these are not easy things to read, but some of us here wish very badly that someone had picked up on the signs and called emergency services for the person we cared about.

Otherwise, since you asked for suggestions, I encourage you to encourage her to get counseling, to take meds properly, if she's on meds, and to talk about her feelings. Sometimes, talking can help.

[bereaved1]

Sorry, I didn't understand the problem about the emergency call. I was successful in calling 911 in New York City for my brother in Florida. They were taking his location information when he finally returned my call. I cancelled the call when he convinced me that he was ok, but, they were ready to send someone to rescue him.

The rest of your advice about encouraging her to get counseling, to take meds properly, if she's on meds, and to talk about her feelings, Karyl is great.

I were her friend, I would try to talk to her on a telephone as much as possible.

[isocial]

i can understand your problem brad,
you girl friend really need a good support, you have to boost up her.and tell her mom about these issues to take care of her daughter.
i hope she will be all right...

[jo22]

Everyone is right, make sure you have the right details to help if it comes to that.
Is also very important you let her mum know what she's said.
Keep talking to her see if she'll see someone. She knows what that dark place is like and by telling you she doesn't want to go back there, so it's good she's aware what's happening, hopefully she'll be open to getting help to stop this xxx

[IMISSMYBEAUTIFULMOM]

Hi Brad, you must be a good, kind, smart person to reach out for ideas like this, kudos to you!

I agree with the suggestions made, here are a few more if they help...
1) Add her parents' & doctors phone numbers to your phone list. Create a list of medical problems, prior surgeries, medications, & allergies. My bias is that everyone should have one of these on their fridge, in the bathroom, & in their purse. But then again, I'm biased since I was a paramedic for so long

2) Get her parents' emails or cells. Stay in touch with them. Ask your GF's permission to do this but be firm...after all, it seems like she had just attempted suicide when you first met. Everyone, especially her, has a vested interest in making sure she's safe. And that's what people who love each other do--they look out for each other & take care of each other, esp when one person's strength is being tested by an event, a disease, etc....

3) Resist the temptation to keep secrets. Depression makes people think/do crazy things...and their remaining rational mind is embarrassed. So the rational mind does what it normally does & tries to minimize/erase the craziness...but it doesn't understand or forgets how the disease uses that 'secret-keeping' defense to sneak in even farther, to put in even deeper roots. Secrets put too much responsibility on all parties, it's not fair to anyone (inc her), & it breeds unhealthy relationships. You start feeling like you alone are 100% responsible for her health, good or bad. And that's never, ever true. Fighting depression should be a community effort.

3) Educate yourself about involuntary commitment in your state. If she says 'I just want to die' or 'I'm not going to let myself go through this pain again' or 'I just don't want to ever wake up' or if she starts cutting again, then ask her the following questions...1) What exactly do you mean? 2) Do you think you might hurt yourself? 3) What does hurting yourself look like? and 4) Do you have the gun/knife/razorblade/drugs/rope?

Depending on her answer & the time, be prepared to call her parents, doctor, & 911 pronto. If she said these things, then she is 100% responsible for saying them--she knows that it leaves you with only one ethical choice--to call. Suicidal ideation is a real danger with a real response & real consequences. It is not something to be said half-heartedly, jokingly, or for attention, without assuming full responsibility of the consequences. I mean, how many people talk about homicide & don't expect the red flag to go up?? Why is it any different?

Most states will involuntarily commit a person based on sworn testimony of someone who heard ideas of or witnessed self-harm. As a medic, I was usually able to get the person to go voluntarily...it gave them more sense of control/dignity over the situation and frankly, it allowed us to keep our ace in our pocket. See, if they tried to leave before the doctors felt they were safe, then the docs could still invoke the involuntary commitment.

4) Remember, at the end of the day, no matter what you do or don't do, life is a big pot of an infinite number of choices. We can help but we cannot 'save' someone who doesn't decide to live. It's much easier to decide to die that to live. Living is tough!!

The decision my mom made that morning was an impulsive one that I'm sure she would regret it if she were alive today. In fact, it scares me to think how much she would regret it--how much pain she would be in now--still loving us but now knowing it was her choices that inflicted this never-ending pain on us.

But my mom made a lifetime of choices that primed her for that morning. She wasn't honest with her doctor, she never saw specialists, she adjusted her own meds, she isolated herself...AND she kept the gun--the gun IN her house--despite knowing that was her weakness--her previously entertained 'way out'. That gun was her secret heroin stash and she was the recovering heroin addict. Dumb, dumb, dumb, ridiculous choice.

Bottom line, she didn't advocate enough for her health--she got tired of living--she allowed the disease to give death more possibilities than life. We(I) tried to do it for her but no matter far you go, you can't force a person to learn what you want/need them to.

I always think of depression as a series of electrical blackouts. Over time, if you don't give your brain healthy sources of energy, it goes dark. And energy sources are the mundane...being honest with the doctor, talking to specialists, taking medicine as prescribed, regular exercise, healthy diet, regular sleep, daily routines, private time, time with friends, doing for others (soup kitchen, teaching, animal shelter volunteer)....

Last point of my novel is this: I wish people with early depression would better educate themselves about the disease (and what suicide really looks like--on BOTH sides.) Sure, my mom went to sites--but she lingered on the ones that fixated on the futility of fighting it. She allowed depression to become her only identity. Some sites even egged her on, telling her suicide is 'finally standing up for yourself' & debating the best ways to do it.

One of my regrets is that I didn't sit her down & make her read this forum, talk to suicide survivors, read the suicide survivor books off Amazon...to witness the legacy of pain that suicide leaves. I wish I had confronted her about her solution to making the pain stop...told her that if those were her plans, then she needed to be okay with doing it while knowing--having witnessed--the devastation that it would leave behind. That's the knowledge many people, including people who have attempted, offer as to what stopped them from doing it or trying it again.

Maybe that would have prevented her disease from hiding behind the b***s*** rationale of 'your lives will be better without my baggage dragging you down.' Maybe it wouldn't have...I'll never know now so I can only pass my ideas along to caring hearts like yours....

Private message me anytime. So sorry for the length, I really hope, even in a small way, it helps you & your GF!!

[Mara Obrian]

Educate yourself.... cutting, self injury, self harm. Is she bipolar?
It is hard to understand a person could do this to themselves. Like drinking or drugs, it diminishes the pain (for awhile)
Cutting is a form of coping with the emotional pain.
To some, it feels better. Better than the emotional pain they feel.
There are many sites that you can research, using the words above.
I pray she is ok.

[LANIE]

Dear Brad: I am so sorry your girlfriend is so ill. I certainly hope she will get the help she so desperately needs. I believe talk therapy is so important -
if you can keep her talking and talking some more so that she knows she can get well and move forward through this dark time. This disease is such a silent disease - and being a chemical imbalance of the brain she has very little control if any over her irrational thinking and her emotions so it is crucial that
she not be left alone while she is in this crisis. We are all here for you,

Lanie
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